I Resolve Not to Resolve

The hubs goes back on vacation today. We've been job-sharing at home for two weeks over the Christmas holiday, but his vacation (read: return to work) begins again now. He's long contended that January is the worst month of the year. The holidays are over. The family gatherings are done. And January is usually very harsh and snowy here. But this year, although he will deny it, I think he's secretly excited to return to work because compared to being home all day with the babies, work is a vacation.

And me? Well, I'm where I always am. Home. And trapped here, really, because leaving my house by myself with three small kids, two of whom are incredibly fussy and probably colicky, who have no predictable schedule, and who basically require constant nursing, is far too daunting a task for me to even consider right now.

Over the holidays, we were able to break free a few times and go out, just the two of us. My mom was in town and stayed with us for a few days, which was pure bliss. Having an extra set of incredibly capable and helpful hands was the best Christmas gift I received. So as not to overwhelm her with caring for three kids at once, we waited until Isabella went down for her nap, and then we went out to lunch once, and another time we went to the movies. We saw Seven Pounds, which was...interesting. Let me just say this about that film: I'll never look at another jelly fish the same way again.

I've never been a big New Year's resolutions person. Last year, I attempted to set monthly goals instead of yearly ones, and even those I abandoned after five months. But this year especially, the thought of making any resolutions beyond "survive" is laughable. My life is utter chaos. The babies are legions away from being on any kind of predictable schedule. They are still up all night. I am still averaging about 5 hours of broken sleep a night. My house is a mess because the second I start emptying the dishwasher or cleaning up a pile of toys, someone starts crying and needs attention. Getting my work done for my clients is a struggle, considering it's often done in 764 5-minute increments spread throughout the day. I'm trying to stay current with your blogs. I'm sometimes reading, but rarely commenting. If my Christmas tree is out of my house by April, I'll consider it an accomplishment.

This blog is anything but rainbows and sunshine, and frankly, unless a radical change happens soon and life gets significantly easier, not much will change in my writing. It's not really the direction I want to take with this blog. I worry about returning to this time in my life a few years from now and struggling to remember anything positive about it. But it is what it is for the time being.

I haven't made any resolutions, but I have written down a list of things I both want to and need to accomplish in the journal that was supposed to store my ideas for essays I planned to write for commercial magazines. I plan on compiling a daily to-do list every evening (or first thing in the morning) each day so I can begin to re-take control over my life. I'm sick of treading water and praying I don't drown.

My hope is that sometime in the next month, as the twins turn 3 months old, I'll begin to experience a bit of predictability and even a tiny modicum of peace amongst the chaos. People keep telling me it will get better, and I know they're right. The change just can't come fast enough for me.

11 Responses to “I Resolve Not to Resolve”

  1. # Blogger Mom24

    I think surviving is a pretty admirable goal right now.

    Be good to yourself, it's not easy, it's not pretty, but it is what it is, and it will get easier...eventually. I'm so sorry that eventually is taking so long to get here. One day, all of this will be a blur and you won't remember clearly how hard it was. You are my hero, for being honest, for doing it, for surviving.  

  2. # Blogger Tracey

    Survival is all anyone can ask, with a toddler and two newborns! That you are even able to get online to write THAT is amazing to me!

    I know it sounds far away, but just picture how different life will be in three months. The air will be warmer, Isabella will be older, the babies will (hopefully) be on a predictable schedule.

    Only 3 months. You can do it.

    Take lots of pictures. Then you can write about it all later.  

  3. # Anonymous Lis Garrett

    Being a parent is NOT all roses and sunshine, so I think you're brave to blog about it the way it truly is. Quite frankly, this is the perfect starting point for all those articles you'll eventually write. Tell it like it is!  

  4. # Blogger Sugar and Ice

    I hear ya! While it has gotten a little easier, I am waiting for it to get a LOT easier! I am counting down the days until this breastfeeding gig is OVER! Blah, I hate it this time around. Sometimes I wonder why I am doing this to myself...I totally understand why just about every other twin mom I meet was a bottle feeder.  

  5. # Anonymous Kris

    I am a total control freak, and one infant & toddler is enough to make me hole up at home in the fetal position and beg for more sleep and less whining.

    So yes, the fact that you are working from home in any form, unloading a single dish from the dishwasher during the day, and managing to blog... I personally think you are doing a bang up job!

    I hope the 3 month mark brings about a survive-able schedule for you, and that things get easier soon!!!  

  6. # Blogger My Wombinations

    I am with Kris. One of each is enough to make me want to run for the hills.

    People do NOT talk about this enough and so I really commend you for being honest. I think women do eachother a disservice when they put on a happy face and talk about how "easy it all is." Wretched liars, they are.  

  7. # Blogger beagle

    You beat me to it . . . that's my line!

    Good plan.  

  8. # Blogger In transit

    You are doing a fantastic job!! hang in there - I hope the 3 month mark brings you a little peace. In agreeance with all the other commenters - Love that your blog is 'keeping it real'  

  9. # Blogger The Princess

    Your blog is serving as a time capsule for the events of your life so being honest about where you are right now and seeing it in writing is healthy.

    Hang in there and know you have a internet family holding you up!  

  10. # Blogger Jesser

    Damn, I'm impressed you still blog at all. I'm sure you'll be glad years from now that you did because it just goes by in such a freaking blur. So glad you're taking some time for yourself. I am not a fan of mommy martyrs.  

  11. # Blogger Damselfly

    You are doing an amazing job as a mother and as a person! Surviving sounds like a great accomplishment to me, even if you had just one newborn!  

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    born in August 2006 following
    IVF and girl/boy twins born in October 2008 following FET. Come along as I document the search for my lost intellect. It's a bumpy ride. Consider yourself warned.

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