Twinsanity

As you've probably deduced from my infrequent posting, all is not calm in twin city. Having twins and a two-year-old is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. Lately, not only do I feel like a crappy mother, but also a pretty crappy wife, writer, friend, the list goes on.

Having two babies with identical needs and wants is preventing me from fully enjoying their babyhood. I feel as if I'm continually running triage with absolutely no break between emergencies. I'm constantly assessing needs: putting down one fussy baby to pick up a screaming one, cradling a twin in one arm while trying to prevent Isabella from falling down the stairs, eating crumbs of questionable origin off the kitchen floor, or "hugging" (read: death-gripping) the cats. Telling a crying Isabella that no, mommy cannot dance with her right now because she has to spend the next 45 minutes nursing her brother and sister who will not wait to be fed.

Motherhood is so much different this time around. There is no time for staring into Luciana's and Nicholas' searching little eyes. No time for holding their tiny hands while nursing them. No time to just sit them on my lap and be. I nurse them at the same time whenever possible to save time. It's a job, and not something I enjoy doing, as I did with Isabella. I miss the bonding that occurs from nursing a single infant.

Someone always needs a diaper change, a burp, a story read to her, breakfast, lunch, dinner, a snack, a hug, a cuddle, a tissue, a bath, a trip to the doctor, a Playdoh replica of Elmo. Motherhood is a labor of love, but it's also a job. And yet as the mother of one, I seemed to have achieved a halfway decent balance between the grunt work, and the fun parts. I remember enjoying Isabella's babyhood, even though it was a crazy first year because I was still working full-time, and from home. I am not enjoying the twins' babyhood in the least. There simply isn't time. And it's depressing me.

Luciana and Nicholas are fussy babies. They may even have colic, given their everyday fussiness in the early evenings. They continue to be up all night long. We are now averaging about four hours of sleep per night, and of course, not all in one stretch. A few days ago I came down with a cold that has nothing to do with contracting a virus and everything to do with sheer and utter exhaustion. You could pack a lunch in the bags under my eyes.

I started accepting work again when the twins were about three weeks old. Most freelancers can't afford to turn down work, and we need the money. I have no idea what to charge my clients since I never work for more than 10 minutes in one sitting. I am constantly interrupted by a baby needing something.

I still need to lose 20 pounds. None of my clothes fit, except for one pair of jeans held over from a time when I ate more than my fair share of Cheetos. And yet there is no time for running anymore.

Emails take me days to answer. I almost never answer the phone when it rings, and then I often forget to return calls.

I have no time to pump, which according to a fellow twin mom, I should be doing after every feeding. This means I have very little freedom from nursing the twins. The huge supply of milk I was able to accumulate in the freezer when my mom was here to help is gone.

The hubs returns to work on Monday. I need to work out some semblance of a schedule for getting my new life together. I just have absolutely no idea how to even start.

My twin mom friends tell me that things will get better. I know they will. And I also know that I have way more help from family and friends than most mothers I know. I should be more appreciative than I am.

But I also know that my sanity is slowly eroding.

Having three kids under the age of 2.5 is kicking my ass.

14 Responses to “Twinsanity”

  1. # Blogger My Wombinations

    I relate to so much of this and really feel for you. I wish I could do more than that. This is the hardest part. Once you get through this you will be able to do anything.  

  2. # Blogger Mom24

    I wish I had something wonderful and comforting and, most of all, helpful to say, but of course I do not. Forgive yourself. Be good to yourself. I promise it will get better, just not fast enough. Take care. We're always here. {{{hugs}}}  

  3. # Blogger Simply-Mel

    I have no words.

    But one day you will be the inspiration to another twin mom.

    You are awesome.  

  4. # Blogger Riley & Tiki

    We are sending you purrs. We don't know what else to say.  

  5. # Blogger shokufeh

    I'm so sorry, Kristi. While I have no idea what it's like mothering three kids, I'm well acquainted with trying to balance all of the demands of life and feeling like a crappy mother, crappy wife, crappy etc. I'm trying to learn to be easier on myself. I hope you are blessed with such as well. And maybe a fairy nurser/reader/diaper-changer. Sending you hugs and sympathy.  

  6. # Anonymous Lis Garrett

    Like everyone else here, I don't know what to say. But I suspect you're wanting to vent more than wanting a solution to your problem. I totally understand the sleep deprivation. Now that Bridget is getting up only once during the night (to come into my bed), I can totally appreciate just how exhausted I was before. Like Mom24 said, it will get better . . . just not fast enough.  

  7. # Blogger Tracey

    I'm so sorry, sweetie! I truly, TRULY wish I could come over and do SOMEthing for you...

    Just remember that everything DOES pass. This is not permanent, no matter how endless it may feel. You WILL get a chance to look longingly into their eyes. It may just take a little longer to get to that point...

    Deep breaths. Take all the help that is offered. And give yourself as many breaks and allowances as you need.

    Hugs...  

  8. # Anonymous Ness

    Oh, I just wish I could pop over, tell you to go to sleep for a few hours and then take over for you. Or take Isabella out for some playtime to give you a break.

    Damn. I wish the world were a bit smaller.  

  9. # Blogger kenju

    I know what you're going through, since my daughter had twins and a 3 year old. It will get better, and I know that is scant help to you right now.  

  10. # Blogger Sugar and Ice

    Girl I know just what you're going through. I've been on my own since the girls were about two weeks old, and it has definitely been a roller coaster ride. I will say that it does get a little better, but some days I still feel like I'm either going to pull my own hair out, punch a door, or throw a baby out a window...or all of the above. Two days ago was probably my worst day yet. I told my husband that I didn't like anyone, not the babies, not my mom, and not him. I am embarrassed of that now, but I was just not in a good place. That day I gave serious thought to shutting down this mini dairy farm we have going on in our household. Anyway, I got through it, and you'll get through it all as well.

    I think nursing makes this twin thing a heck of a lot harder than it would be otherwise. Honestly, I think it'd almost be a breeze if I weren't nursing. I've decided I need short term goals instead of this "make it to one year" goal. My current goal is to make it to six months. If I can make it to six months, then we'll move it up to 9, then 12...and then I'm taking my boobs back for keeps. (Oh, and no offense to the other twin mom, but who the heck has time to pump after ever feeding? My lactation consultant...who is a twin mom herself...told me NOT to do that).  

  11. # Blogger Christine

    Man, maybe it's time to recruit a sitter either in your relatives or maybe a high school kid?

    Either way, know that you'll pull through.  

  12. # Blogger Pregnantly Plump

    I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I hope that if it is colic, it will go away soon. Do they all like driving? I like to drive when I'm stressed out, and gas is a little cheaper now. Maybe it would work for everyone?
    Good luck!  

  13. # Blogger k

    as a single mom of twin two year olds, i promise you it will get better. the first year was a blur, it is insane, it is not always enjoyable (although it has it's sweet moments), it is completely like an assembly line. the good news is that it goes by very quickly, and before you know it you start to see the sweetest little bonding moments, and watch your twins grow to be the best of friends. hang in there. it will get better.  

  14. # Blogger Jesser

    I have nothing helpful to add, but I just wanted to give you an attagirl and send my wishes and hopes that things will get easier as time goes on. Hang in there ... I'm thinking of you!!  

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