Cattle Call

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed my children. It wasn't a decision I even gave much thought to as I was preparing for motherhood the first time around. Of course, the choice to nurse or formula-feed is a completely individual one, and I would never judge a mother who either chose not to or could not nurse her babies. Contrary to what some may believe, formula is not crystal meth. After my first few months of life, it's what my mom chose for me, and I happen to think I turned out pretty fantastic.

That said, nursing twins is a whole different beast altogether. Given my completely rational denial that I was indeed carrying twins and not a singleton, I didn't do much twin nursing research, which as it turns out was a gigantic mistake because I'm sure some kind BTDT twin mother out there would have warned me about how incredibly hard it is.

Nicholas and Luci are not on a reliable schedule, which means I am basically nursing one baby or the other for somewhere close to 23.5 hours a day. My big living room chair has a permanent imprint of my arse in it. I am eating meals while nursing, reading to Isabella while nursing, and giving myself a pedicure while nursing. The only benefit I can see right now is the copious amounts of tv I'm watching. I actually watched an entire movie (Serendipity-I love you John Cusack) start to finish the other day while feeding the twins.
I want to nurse them both at once, but I've attempted this only a few times and without much success. Doing so would require another set of hands, and about 500 times more patience than I currently have. But apparently, many twin mother do this, and so I set out to find ways to do it.

There is no shortage of encouraging reading on the web about breastfeeding twins. Apparently, it's entirely possible and even enjoyable! It's rewarding for both mother and children! And it doesn't have to take you all day!
Here are some twin nursing positions. I'm curious as to whether the words "enjoyable" and "rewarding" come to mind after viewing these images.

I call this one Recipe for Scoliosis. Seriously, who could stand to hunch themselves over their babies like that for 20 minutes or more eight times a day?
Here's a photo the hubs took of me after three days of trying to nurse the twins in that position:



Unless you have one regular boob and one freakishly small mini-boob, I can't see how this position would work. And also? Ow.

Would you want to be the baby at the bottom in this position? This might work when the babies are little, but who wants their 9-month-old twin's 20-pound cranium crushing their rib cage 10 times a day?

Um, yeah. Doesn't it look like the twin in the dark onesie performed a wrestling move on the other baby and has him pinned in a death grip? I see years of therapy in the bottom twin's future.


Again with the hunching. The babies look pretty damn comfortable. Where are mommy's pillows, dammit?

You'll notice that the illustrator chose not to give the mother in the images a face. Know why? Because it would be contorted in pain and also possibly frothing at the mouth. Breastfeeding twins ain't for sissies.

20 Responses to “Cattle Call”

  1. # Blogger Marie

    LMAO!

    And I mean that in the most supportive way, Quasi... I mean Kristi!

    Seriously... I can't imagine!  

  2. # Blogger My Wombinations

    Wow, you barely look sleep deprived in that photo at all;)

    Hilarious.  

  3. # Anonymous Dianne

    I'm laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face - at your humor of course, not your situation.

    Good to see you yesterday. Rory was indeed upset we came without him. He was even crying!! We'll have to come by again when the mamacita skips town :)  

  4. # Blogger beagle

    I know this really has nothing to do with your topic, but I can't help wondering whether that graphic artist is male or female.  

  5. # Blogger Simply-Mel

    I am so stoked to see your sense of humour is fully intact.

    Keep it girl - its gonna save your sanity over the next few years!  

  6. # Blogger Pregnantly Plump

    None of those look do-able. There has to be a better way, couldn't they at least have you put pillows under the babies so you aren't hunched?
    Good luck, I can't even imagine how difficult that has to be.  

  7. # Anonymous Lis Garrett

    LOL!

    You'd need boobs that hang down to your knees to be able to pull off any of those positions. Hilarious!

    Just keep doing the best you can do. :-)  

  8. # Blogger kenju

    My daughter used the top position, along with a special pillow and several others to prop them up higher. I hope you can get them on a good schedule soon, as I know how difficult it is now.  

  9. # Blogger l

    I never thought of what having twins and breastfeeding would mean...I've always focused on the impact to the end of the cycle (diaper changes). Ouch! My boobs hurt for you.  

  10. # Blogger Mom24

    Well, the images took the picture of you giving yourself a pedicure while nursing right out of my mind. I'm still trying to figure out how you did that. I wish I had something helpful to share with you. I've got nothing. I think you're amazing for trying. I hope you can find a way to make it work, but if you can't, no one would blame you. Good luck.  

  11. # Blogger Lauren

    Kudos to you for even attempting to nurse twins! It is much harder than meets the eye. I nursed my twins (now four years old) for two years and I went through the full range of emotions and challenges, including the balancing act that is simultaneous nursing! Email me if you want to chat at all. Good luck!!!  

  12. # Blogger Sugar and Ice

    Oh my gosh...I laughed so hard at those pictures. I've tried the first and third ones...and they both stink. The first one really does make you hunch forward, and the third...I wondered the same thing about the baby's head crushing the other.

    Hopefully, in a few weeks we'll both look back on this and talk about how much easier it's gotten.  

  13. # Blogger Damselfly

    In.credible! I am amazed. At the illustrations, at you. I think if I were trying to breastfeed twins, they would have to take turns getting boobs and formula. Nursing Fly, I spent about 8 hours a day just nursing. Double that, and yikes! How would any mom get anything done (pedicure aside)?  

  14. # Blogger The Princess

    I have no advice, just a quick 'HI" and I'm thinking of you!  

  15. # Blogger Jesser

    Uhhhh... yea. I have nothing to say. That stuff doesn't even look real!  

  16. # Blogger Tracey

    :) Snorting over here. Love the hunchback!

    I can only assume twin nursing is something you either become comfortable with, or you don't...

    I'm just picturing piles and piles of pillows to get those kids comfy at the same time...  

  17. # Anonymous Ness

    I call that first position: "How to make your tits look like a cows udder in 0.3 seconds."

    Seriously. OMG.

    I found the idea of BFing odd (for myself that is, I have no problem hearing/seeing anyone else doing it) and I imagine that must feel doubly so for having twins! Go you for perservering at it :)  

  18. # Anonymous Lisanne

    OMG. I totally laughed at all of those pictures. Great entry, Kristi! I've been wondering about what it's like breastfeeding twins. GOOD LUCK. I hope that it gets easier over time. I guess that if it were me, I would probably feed them separately ~ but who knows. I don't see how you and Chas get anything done during the day with feeding everyone! hehe :)  

  19. # Blogger Shannon

    omg... you need to have this printed in the newspaper... you need a column and get paid for it lol... because I am laughing sooooo freaking hard right now at this... omg... too freaking funny...  

  20. # Blogger Sunny

    Oh dear... I am simultaneously laughing hysterically and crying with dread.  

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