It's been more than a handful of times over the past eight months that I've been able to convince myself that I'm only pregnant with one baby.

I've had just short of eleventeen-hundred ultrasounds in which I've seen 2D photographic proof of the presence of two babies (not one). I've had 14,000 OB visits in which I have heard two distinct and varied heartbeats on my OB's doppler. I've had three NSTs in which two monitors (not one) were placed on my belly to monitor the activity of two babies (not one).

I'm also gargantuan, or at least quite a bit larger right now than I was at the end of my singleton pregnancy.

Yet in my mind I can somehow hear my OB's voice, muffled from behind the OR tarp, telling me while performing my C-section that she was wrong. That I was never having twins. That I instead have one healthy baby.

I have serious concerns about my ability to handle what's happening.

I am panicking and afraid and still (still) in denial.

And I have just a few short weeks to get my shit together.

19 Responses to “Confession”

  1. # Anonymous Kris

    I think that's totally normal! Until I was actually home with my baby, I was convinced someone was going to take him away and say "Oops, sorry! He's really not yours." Denial lets us cope with things in our own time. And if that time is at 2 am on the 4th day of no sleep, well, you may be extremely tired, but you'll make it through! =)  

  2. # Blogger Shannon

    oh man that is funny stuff... I snorted!! Good Luck hehehe!  

  3. # Anonymous Ness

    When I had my first one, I remember thinking (as they handed him to me) - OMG! There *really* WAS a baby in there!!!

    Like I was expecting a puppy, or freaky alien to come out instead :) Snork.  

  4. # Blogger Marie

    You'll wake up to reality when you're holding two beautiful new babies!  

  5. # Blogger Mom24

    It really doesn't matter--you'll deal with whatever you have to when you have to. Hope you're resting lots and things are going all right.  

  6. # Blogger Sasha

    You would be abnormal if you were calm right right now. I was panicking before Alan came and there was only one in there. It is impossible to know how you will handle any of it until they are here and you have started. But you will be able to handle it. It may take a while, but I am sure of it.  

  7. # Blogger Tracey

    That sounds totally normal. I'm sure it'll be surreal for a while after they're born, even. Trying to wrap your brain around something so different doesn't always happen overnight.

    Wish you lived closer so I could hold one baby while you held the other!  

  8. # Anonymous Lis Garrett

    I'm really not going to add anything that the others haven't said already. I think it's easy to be somewhat in denial because you don't really know your babies yet; that's why it's hard to imagine having them. As soon as they're here, though, you'll feel as though they've been a part of your family all along.  

  9. # Blogger Simply-Mel

    Ha! I can relate only in the way that I remember when I realised that now that I was preggers there were only 2 options on how to get *it* out! I was stoked with neither....also lived in denial awhile...its ok...its all good.  

  10. # Blogger MsPrufrock

    I'll say the same thing I said back 21 months ago when you told us you were pregnant with twins - it all seems so abstract and insurmountable now, but you'll fall right into things when the babies arrive. I don't doubt that at all.  

  11. # Blogger Sugar and Ice

    You're freaking out for nothing. I promise it's not bad at all. After the first week you'll be an old pro and wonder what you were so worried about. Truly, having had one baby will make this experience so much easier. Honestly, I don't think this time has been any harder than it was when I had Lila, and I contribute that to having experience now that I didn't have then.  

  12. # Blogger sara

    I think it's only natural to have this stress down the home stretch. I'm freaking out a bit and I'm not even quite to the end yet - and I'm just having one :-) You're going to do a great job - but understand the nervousness coming down the home stretch :-)  

  13. # Blogger In transit

    Kristi - if there's one thing I've gleaned from reading your posts it is that you can pretty much cope with *anything*!
    I will however, join the denial ranks - even with 1 bub!  

  14. # Blogger Damselfly

    Is that anything like the feeling of getting to the end of a pregnancy and thinking maybe you're not sure you can be a mom after all? That was me!

    Your babies will be so lucky to have you.  

  15. # Blogger Jesser

    The whole thing even the first go-around is so surreal. It's almost hard to believe when it happens. It makes complete sense to me that you could easily be in denial about the number ... but I think you'll deal when you need to.  

  16. # Blogger Pregnantly Plump

    I think it's understandable. You don't really know what it will be like with two, but you do have an idea about one.
    I tagged you for a fun meme!  

  17. # Anonymous Anonymous

    It will be a crazy journey to go from one kid to three, but I'm sure you'll handle it with grace and aplomb (& I'll repeat that phrase when you post about the tribulations of two babies!)  

  18. # Blogger MIP

    I think denial is a central part of pregnancy, multiples or not. I remember the exact moment that it really dawned on me that indeed I was going to have a baby. It was in the operating room as I sat with my back to the anesthesiologist waiting for an epidural. So I wouldn't worry about not fulling accepting it just yet, I think that just comes in time.  

  19. # Anonymous Lisanne

    We haven't heard an update from you in a while. I'm thinking that maybe your son and daughter have made an early appearance? hehe :) Sorry ~ just had to kid you about that. I'm sure that you're just insanely busy trying to prepare last-minute things as well as running after an active toddler! Wishing you all the best along this home stretch! Thinking of you!  

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