Reinventing Me

Since learning I was pregnant, I've been locked in an internal struggle. The infertile hat I grudgingly donned over a year ago doesn't seem to want to come off. I still think like an infertile. Talk like an infertile. Act like an infertile. I am having a hard time being happy.

Now, I am over the moon about being pregnant. I feel so blessed because I know so many others would kill to be in my shoes. But, as morbid as this sounds, I think I'm pre-mourning the loss of this baby already, just as I was pre-mourning the news I just knew would come (but surprisingly didn't) informing me that IVF didn't work. And the internet isn't helping my cause.

As the typical beaten-down long-suffering infertile would, I've been reading about miscarriage causes on the web. And I will admit, while some information I simply encountered accidentally, other information I actively sought out myself. Now, my head is full of such scary terms as "blighted ovum," "missed miscarriage," and "threatened abortion." I'm had no symptoms of any of these, yet as I've learned, you don't necessarily need any symptoms at all when you're having a miscarriage.

It's the wrong kind of thinking. I know this. Optimism and positivity are huge parts of having a successful pregnancy, and I know that the internet is full of all kinds of horror stories and even flat-out wrong information. My head knows all this. My heart is just seeking to protect itself from becoming too attached to something that could be gone in an instant.

I think this will get easier if we have a successful ultrasound on Monday. That appointment can't come soon enough. Once I can see the baby and hear his/her heartbeat, this pregnancy will feel more real to me, and I think the baby will feel more mine.

And I know I have to abandon my negative thinking and stay off the internet. But I am one who likes to be in control and know what potential pitfalls I could face well in advance. It's the researcher and bookworm in me that will never be quieted.

How can I reinvent myself as someone who CAN get pregnant and who, at least for right now, IS going to have a baby when I've spent so long with the identity of an infertile wrapped securely around me like a blanket? I didn't anticipate it being this hard.

13 Responses to “Reinventing Me”

  1. # Blogger Dawn

    Kristi, you're shouldn't go looking for that kind of stuff! Remember, there are always people out there who will be perfectly happy to tell you all the negative what-ifs. Try to distract yourself (I know that sounds too simple to work) with something fun and not related to the pregnancy, remember the trick is to take your mind off it! Take a cooking class or start a new book. Try not to worry!  

  2. # Blogger Marie

    Oh Kristi! Damn that internet. A blessing and a curse it is... I know a couple weeks ago my hubby kept having heavy nosebleeds. The Internet had me convinced he might have a stroke. I was afraid he was going to die! The Internet is not always helpful for worriers...

    You ARE pregnant. I'm guessing that the ultrasound will help tons... You might not hear a heartbeat at this point (I don't recall hearing it so early on.) I do recall seeing a pulsing light though, which was the beating heart. Your doctor will tell you what to expect...

    I wish I had words of wisdom! I wish I could give you a big hug right now.  

  3. # Blogger Alisha

    I know exactly what you mean. I do that about a million things in this world. I'll admit something to you...when Mitch got hurt, I swear I think one of the reasons I've handled it so well is because I've been preparing for the worst all my life. Isn't that terrible?

    Anyway, don't do that!!! LOL, I know easier said than done. But, after you US on Monday, let all those negative things go. Once you have seen for yourself that the bambino is ok, begin to surround yourself with positive pregnancy things. Go to websites you never let yourself go to because they were baby-centered. Join an online group of infertiles-now-pregnants.

    I know, I really do know how difficult it can be to let go, but I also really do know you can do it. I believe in your joy!!!  

  4. # Blogger D

    When I read your posts it makes me feel that maybe I am not going insane. The last 2 weeks (since finding out I am pregnant) have seemed longer than any 2WW. I am really hoping that once Mondays ultrasound happens, and we hopefully get good news that I may start to relax a bit. I understand the need for visual confirmation, the need to feel like its real. At this point I would welcome some puke - just so I would know something is happening.

    I too go to the websites and research about miscarriages - WE NEED TO STOP!! I need to stop driving myself crazy and enjoy this for what it is. Dawn is right, there are lots of bad,scarey stories out there, but there are MANY more good stories. We need to focus on that. I tell you this partly because it really does sound like good advice and partly to convince myself.  

  5. # Blogger Christine

    As a worrier myself, I can only imagine it's normal to feel how you're feeling, but you can revel in the fact that you are pregnant and that you and the soon-to-be-baby are fine. Just take each day

    Good luck with the ultrasound. We're all pulling for you ;)  

  6. # Blogger Caryl

    Kristi, I'm a worrier too!
    The internet can be a negative source of information - for my problem and the procedure my doctor recommends - I found lots of information, most of it not too good. I wish I had the procedure in September and it would be over now, for better or worse. Instead, I sit in front of my compter and surf and read and am driving myself crazy!
    Here are some sites that will help you through your pregnancy while not dwelling on the negative - try or I hope these sites help!  

  7. # Blogger Shana

    I think this is really, really common when you're pregnant after infertility. You've gotten so accustomed to bad news that you can't accept that something good has finally happened; you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    I hope Monday gets here quickly for you! Would that we could all afford our own ultrasound machines like Tom Cruise.  

  8. # Anonymous Clare Eats

    I think you need to relax :)
    Don't be too hard on yourself. It has been a hard haul to get to this point :)

    Just try and have fun!  

  9. # Blogger Kristi

    Dawn-You're right. I've spent too much time dwelling on it. I have this knitting project I've been working on, but put aside recently. I think I'll pick it back up.

    Marie-Poor Chris. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has been scared to death by the 'net.

    Alisha-It's not terrible. I'm the same way. I've always believed in the philosophy "expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed" negative as it may sound. I think once I have the ultrasound, I'll feel better.

    D-It's so nice to know I'm not the only infertile-turned-fertile going through these emotions. I'm so glad our first ultrasounds are on the same day. And if you stay away from scary websites, so will I (or at least try to)!

    Christine-Thank you! I hope so too.

    Caryl-my world is full of worriers just like me! I'm not sure if that's a good thing (misery loves company) or not! Thank you for those websites, and you know I'm pulling for you and hope you sail through your procedure.

    S-Thanks for stopping by again. You've pinpointed exactly my problem. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it's funny you mentioned the Tom Cruise thing. I said the exact same thing to my husband last night!

    Clare-Thanks. I wish it were easier for me. I'm just a bundle of nerves!  

  10. # Blogger Amy

    Don't stay off the Internet...just start going to more Mommy blogs instead of the Infertile blogs. Maybe start an expecting blog of your own, in addition to this one. I bet you'd start thinking of yourself as *expecting* rather than *infertile* if you do something that identifies you as expecting, you know? After the ultrasound, you could set up a blog where you can celebrate all your symptoms, talk about baby names, get advice from other moms, etc.

    And remember that even expectant mothers who didn't become pg after infertility feel the same way in the beginnning. It is very hard to wrap your head around the fact that you will become a parent in less than a year, especially before you're showing and especially with the first one. When pg with Kyra, I STILL couldn't believe that I would be a mom soon, even in the week before delivery. It's hard to believe until you're actually holding that baby in your arms:)  

  11. # Blogger Kristi

    Amy-I was thinking about setting up another blog, but then realized I don't want to create a mommy blog. I like this one too much! I just hope people who regularly visit here don't get sick of me talking about baby fears, etc. That's why I'm making it a point to write on other topics.

    And you're right. I think my fears about miscarrying at this point are probably the same as any other expectant mom. The difference for me, though, is that I can't just "try again" next month. "Trying again" for me means going through IVF again, and I'm not sure I can emotionally or financially handle that again.  

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    born in August 2006 following
    IVF and girl/boy twins born in October 2008 following FET. Come along as I document the search for my lost intellect. It's a bumpy ride. Consider yourself warned.

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