Since learning I was pregnant, I've been locked in an internal struggle. The infertile hat I grudgingly donned over a year ago doesn't seem to want to come off. I still think like an infertile. Talk like an infertile. Act like an infertile. I am having a hard time being happy.
Now, I am over the moon about being pregnant. I feel so blessed because I know so many others would kill to be in my shoes. But, as morbid as this sounds, I think I'm pre-mourning the loss of this baby already, just as I was pre-mourning the news I just knew would come (but surprisingly didn't) informing me that IVF didn't work. And the internet isn't helping my cause.
As the typical beaten-down long-suffering infertile would, I've been reading about miscarriage causes on the web. And I will admit, while some information I simply encountered accidentally, other information I actively sought out myself. Now, my head is full of such scary terms as "blighted ovum," "missed miscarriage," and "threatened abortion." I'm had no symptoms of any of these, yet as I've learned, you don't necessarily need any symptoms at all when you're having a miscarriage.
It's the wrong kind of thinking. I know this. Optimism and positivity are huge parts of having a successful pregnancy, and I know that the internet is full of all kinds of horror stories and even flat-out wrong information. My head knows all this. My heart is just seeking to protect itself from becoming too attached to something that could be gone in an instant.
I think this will get easier if we have a successful ultrasound on Monday. That appointment can't come soon enough. Once I can see the baby and hear his/her heartbeat, this pregnancy will feel more real to me, and I think the baby will feel more mine.
And I know I have to abandon my negative thinking and stay off the internet. But I am one who likes to be in control and know what potential pitfalls I could face well in advance. It's the researcher and bookworm in me that will never be quieted.
How can I reinvent myself as someone who CAN get pregnant and who, at least for right now, IS going to have a baby when I've spent so long with the identity of an infertile wrapped securely around me like a blanket? I didn't anticipate it being this hard.
Now, I am over the moon about being pregnant. I feel so blessed because I know so many others would kill to be in my shoes. But, as morbid as this sounds, I think I'm pre-mourning the loss of this baby already, just as I was pre-mourning the news I just knew would come (but surprisingly didn't) informing me that IVF didn't work. And the internet isn't helping my cause.
As the typical beaten-down long-suffering infertile would, I've been reading about miscarriage causes on the web. And I will admit, while some information I simply encountered accidentally, other information I actively sought out myself. Now, my head is full of such scary terms as "blighted ovum," "missed miscarriage," and "threatened abortion." I'm had no symptoms of any of these, yet as I've learned, you don't necessarily need any symptoms at all when you're having a miscarriage.
It's the wrong kind of thinking. I know this. Optimism and positivity are huge parts of having a successful pregnancy, and I know that the internet is full of all kinds of horror stories and even flat-out wrong information. My head knows all this. My heart is just seeking to protect itself from becoming too attached to something that could be gone in an instant.
I think this will get easier if we have a successful ultrasound on Monday. That appointment can't come soon enough. Once I can see the baby and hear his/her heartbeat, this pregnancy will feel more real to me, and I think the baby will feel more mine.
And I know I have to abandon my negative thinking and stay off the internet. But I am one who likes to be in control and know what potential pitfalls I could face well in advance. It's the researcher and bookworm in me that will never be quieted.
How can I reinvent myself as someone who CAN get pregnant and who, at least for right now, IS going to have a baby when I've spent so long with the identity of an infertile wrapped securely around me like a blanket? I didn't anticipate it being this hard.
Kristi, you're right..you shouldn't go looking for that kind of stuff! Remember, there are always people out there who will be perfectly happy to tell you all the negative what-ifs. Try to distract yourself (I know that sounds too simple to work) with something fun and not related to the pregnancy, remember the trick is to take your mind off it! Take a cooking class or start a new book. Try not to worry!
Oh Kristi! Damn that internet. A blessing and a curse it is... I know a couple weeks ago my hubby kept having heavy nosebleeds. The Internet had me convinced he might have a stroke. I was afraid he was going to die! The Internet is not always helpful for worriers...
You ARE pregnant. I'm guessing that the ultrasound will help tons... You might not hear a heartbeat at this point (I don't recall hearing it so early on.) I do recall seeing a pulsing light though, which was the beating heart. Your doctor will tell you what to expect...
I wish I had words of wisdom! I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
When I read your posts it makes me feel that maybe I am not going insane. The last 2 weeks (since finding out I am pregnant) have seemed longer than any 2WW. I am really hoping that once Mondays ultrasound happens, and we hopefully get good news that I may start to relax a bit. I understand the need for visual confirmation, the need to feel like its real. At this point I would welcome some puke - just so I would know something is happening.
I too go to the websites and research about miscarriages - WE NEED TO STOP!! I need to stop driving myself crazy and enjoy this for what it is. Dawn is right, there are lots of bad,scarey stories out there, but there are MANY more good stories. We need to focus on that. I tell you this partly because it really does sound like good advice and partly to convince myself.
As a worrier myself, I can only imagine it's normal to feel how you're feeling, but you can revel in the fact that you are pregnant and that you and the soon-to-be-baby are fine. Just take each day
Good luck with the ultrasound. We're all pulling for you ;)
I think this is really, really common when you're pregnant after infertility. You've gotten so accustomed to bad news that you can't accept that something good has finally happened; you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I hope Monday gets here quickly for you! Would that we could all afford our own ultrasound machines like Tom Cruise.
I think you need to relax :)
Don't be too hard on yourself. It has been a hard haul to get to this point :)
Just try and have fun!
Dawn-You're right. I've spent too much time dwelling on it. I have this knitting project I've been working on, but put aside recently. I think I'll pick it back up.
Marie-Poor Chris. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has been scared to death by the 'net.
Alisha-It's not terrible. I'm the same way. I've always believed in the philosophy "expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed" negative as it may sound. I think once I have the ultrasound, I'll feel better.
D-It's so nice to know I'm not the only infertile-turned-fertile going through these emotions. I'm so glad our first ultrasounds are on the same day. And if you stay away from scary websites, so will I (or at least try to)!
Christine-Thank you! I hope so too.
Caryl-my world is full of worriers just like me! I'm not sure if that's a good thing (misery loves company) or not! Thank you for those websites, and you know I'm pulling for you and hope you sail through your procedure.
S-Thanks for stopping by again. You've pinpointed exactly my problem. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it's funny you mentioned the Tom Cruise thing. I said the exact same thing to my husband last night!
Clare-Thanks. I wish it were easier for me. I'm just a bundle of nerves!
Amy-I was thinking about setting up another blog, but then realized I don't want to create a mommy blog. I like this one too much! I just hope people who regularly visit here don't get sick of me talking about baby fears, etc. That's why I'm making it a point to write on other topics.
And you're right. I think my fears about miscarrying at this point are probably the same as any other expectant mom. The difference for me, though, is that I can't just "try again" next month. "Trying again" for me means going through IVF again, and I'm not sure I can emotionally or financially handle that again.