Maury and Me

When Isabella first came home from the hospital, she was waking up every two-to-three hours during the night to eat. It was hard on me, but still being new at the whole motherhood gig, I hauled my arse out of bed, picked her up from her bassinet where she sleeps beside me, cradled her lovingly in my arms and walked with her to her nursery next door. There I rocked her gently in the glider we bought especially for this purpose, and lovingly sang such diddies as "You Are My Sunshine" and the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows" to her as I stroked her head and nursed her.

It took me falling asleep on the job a few times to realize that this was not an effective way to nurse my daughter at 3 am, 'cause she may roll off my lap and onto the floor.

So I switched tactics. I still cradled. I still walked next door to her nursery. I still rocked her in the glider, but I then tried reading magazines to stay awake while I fed her. And while I love my Martha with every craft-challenged fiber of my being, somehow learning how to refinish an old Windsor chair while the rest of the world lies sleeping wasn't doing much to keep the old eyeballs open either.

So now comes the portion of our show in which I admit what I'm now doing while feeding my daughter in the middle of the night. I still cradle her, however it's for a much shorter time period, as I no longer schlep over to her nursery. I feed her in my bed now. With the tv on. And what do I watch, you ask?

Educational documentaries on how to raise a child who will always read above her grade level? Nope, sorry. Those aren't on in the middle of the night. Cooking shows on my favorite tv channel, The Food Network? Most often, no, as the little one has the habit of waking up most often when Emeril is on, and Emeril and I do not get along.

No, you see my late-night tv-viewing is far more base than any of these. When I'm feeding my daughter, I'm usually watching The Maury Povich Show.

I know. It's a terrible guilty pleasure for which I'm currently seeking treatment. And yes, I know, the Maury Show is barely a hair's breath away from the likes of The Jerry Springer Show in terms of the number of on-stage fist-fights and chairs breaking over guests' heads.

But it's entertaining, people! The guests? 99% of them are certifiably crazy. And the show topics? Well, those are entertaining enough to keep me awake through the longest nursing session. Recent favorites of mine include "I'll Prove My Baby is Your 14th Child" and "Is My Boyfriend or His 44 Year-Old Uncle My Baby's Father?" And the paternity test results? I'm telling you, they keep you on the edge of your seat, er, bed.

I'm praying to God Ella isn't listening to the Maury Show along with me, because if she is, I'll have plenty of 'splaining to do to her psychotherapist one day.

13 Responses to “Maury and Me”

  1. # Blogger Marie

    GAH! So you didn't get to the Absolutely No Maury chapter of What to Expect the First Year?

    We got sucked into an episode a couple of months ago where all these women & men in drag paraded across the stage. The audience had to try to figure out which ones were really women. And they kept us hanging over every commercial break. Maybe you saw that one?

    Just one question: how do you get back to sleep after all that Maury excitement?  

  2. # Blogger M

    Hilarious! At the end of my pregnancy when I couldnl't sleep because I was sick (remember those days) I watched Nick at Nite...I saw reruns of Fresh Prince and Roseanne like nobody's business. Sometimes, when mike would join me in the living room on the pull out couch we'd catch a rerun of the rerun...and he would be amazed that I could tell him verbatim what the characters were going to say. hahaha! That's what happens when you are wide awake at the wee hours of the morning.
    Now, I Tivo so many shows because I can never watch them...that that's what I watch in the bedroom while I'm feeding her at 3 a.m. So, that would be- the Bachelor, what about Brian, 2 1/2 men, How I met your mother, dancing with the stars, Desperate Housewives....shall I go on?  

  3. # Blogger sher

    LOL!! Oh, I'm cackling away as I read that. Yes! watching Maury is mind boggling. The paternity test shows are always amazing to me.  

  4. # Blogger Christine

    Oh my...on my few and far between days off, I have slipped in a Maury episode or two.

    And the paternity tests are my favorites too!  

  5. # Blogger sunShine

    I hate talk shows, every now and then though I get sucked in and have to watch. Tell Ella to close her little ears!  

  6. # Blogger Binulatti

    Yikes. Beware the subconscious imprinting. Don't be shocked when Bella's first words are "Oh no, you di-int, betch!"  

  7. # Blogger kenju

    That's so funny! I used to fall asleep while nursin mine, so I started doing it in bed too, so if the baby fell off, he/she wouldn't go far.  

  8. # Blogger YankeeAmanda

    That was the only way I could manage those early AM feedings - God-awful television. Don't worry, at that point in life to them it's all "yackety shmackety blah".

    I did find that the Animal Planet had funny animal shows on around 3 am. That helped.  

  9. # Blogger Kristi

    Marie-LOL. And no, I must have missed that episode. Darn it!

    M-I wish we had Tivo, because then I'd do the same thing. Funny, I watch the Roseanne reruns on Nick at Night too. I used to love that show when it was on.

    Sher and Christine-I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds those paternity shows hysterical!

    Sunshine-I'm considering buying her little earmuffs. ;)

    Karrie-No, her first word will have four letters. That way I'll know she's my daughter.

    Kenju-Ha! Good point. :)

    YankeeAmanda- I'll have to check out Animal Planet. I often get too weepy watching that channel, though, when I happen across the Animal Cop show. Thanks for stopping by my blog!  

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