The Ending and the Beginning

My mom always used to tell me, "Expect nothing, and you'll never be disappointed." Some may call this the pessimist's anthem. I prefer to call it the realist's theme song. I truly never expected to be sitting here, at 39 weeks pregnant, typing my very last post before I officially become Beastie's mom.

This journey began 32 months ago, in December of 2003. I tossed the birth control. I bought a digital thermometer. I started charting my cycles. And we waited. And waited. And waited some more. We started seeing a specialist, a reproductive endocrinologist. We had tests and procedures performed. We arranged and rearranged our lives to accomodate surging hormone levels, follicle development, and inseminations. We watched our friends bring their babies into the world. And after two years, we had nothing to show for this physical and emotional upheaval but massive depression, a screwed up sex life, and empty arms.

Fast forward to November 2005, and the beginning of my IVF cycle. The needles. The shots. The ultrasounds. The egg retrieval. The transfer of two grade A, "perfect" embryos. And still, right up until I got the phone call from my doctor's office on December 18th, 2005, I expected another failure.

I look down at my belly now as I'm typing this, and I still cannot believe I am as blessed and as lucky as I am to have what I have, when so many women I know have gone through what I have (and more) and are still waiting. Why me and not them? I'll never know that answer.

All I can do is to be grateful.

For Rich-How can I put into words what your steadfast support and never-ending encouragement has meant to me over these long months and years of waiting? For constantly encouraging me to see the glass as half full instead of half empty (or bone freaking dry, as was most often the case with me). For letting me cry, for helping me to see our future together as a fulfilling one, even if we were never able to conceive, and for often being the only source of light in the dark cave I lived in for so long, I am forever in your debt. And for never buying me a cardboard baby. Thanks for that too. You're going to be an incredible dad.

For My Friends-You have no idea how much it meant to me to have your shoulders to cry on, your ears to listen to me bitch and complain, and your compassion for the past two-plus years. Jenny and Marie and Andy and Caryl and Chris and Veronica and Dianne and others who lurk here but don't comment (you know who you are), I am so lucky to have had your support through every step of this crazy journey.

For My Blog Friends-Who would have ever thought that I could count among my friends people scattered all over the world, most of whom I'll never meet, but whose encouragement and love have carried me through the past nine months? The fact that you cared enough to stop by here and read about my thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams about Beastie and share your encouraging words is a gift. Thank you.

For My Fellow IF Sisters: Ours is a struggle few understand unless they've been through it themselves. You are the strongest, bravest, and most resiliant women I know. Don't let infertility define you, as I let it do to me for quite awhile. And for those of you still waiting for motherhood or those for whom the journey is over, I am honored that you have continued to return here to check up on me. I know it's not easy. Believe me, I know.

For God-Thank you for hanging with me, even when my faith was virtually non-existent. And thank you for teaching me to believe in miracles again.

For Beastie-Hi. I'm your mom. I'm going to meet you in less than 24 hours, although I feel I know you already. We've shared my body now for the past 39 weeks, and it's time now for you to come out. You might possibly be the most wanted and loved and highly anticipated baby ever to be born. I can't wait to hold you, to see who you look like, and to pass you to your dad and your Aunt Karrie, your grandma, your great-grandma, and all the rest of your family members. Everybody's waiting.

My c-section is scheduled for 9:30am EST tomorrow morning. Marie will have the news on her blog as soon as it's available. And later on tomorrow, Karrie will have Beastie pictures up on her blog. I should be in the hospital until Friday or Saturday, but as soon as I'm able, I'll post the story of the Beastie's arrival.

Until then...

32 Responses to “The Ending and the Beginning”

  1. # Blogger Christine

    25 Hours! Best of luck for an easy C-Section and easier healing time.

    And HOORAY for the Beastie.  

  2. # Blogger sunShine

    Good luck! I cannot believe that the day is finally here! CONGRATULATIONS!  

  3. # Blogger Clare Eats

    I can't wait to see the beastie
    CONGRATS in advance :)  

  4. # Blogger Marie

    All choked up here... Good luck tomorrow & congrats, Momma Kristi!!  

  5. # Blogger The Princess

    Holy Smokes, that is less than 24 hours away!!

    I'll be lifting up prayers for you, your husband and Beastie tomorrow.

    Welcome to motherhood, you've worked so hard to get here.

    P.S. Warn Marie that she'll be getting a ton of hits tomorrow as we all will be anticipating the good news!  

  6. # Blogger Shana

    Best of luck tomorrow Kristi, I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your and beastie's way.

    Oh my goodness, you're gonna be a MAMA!  

  7. # Blogger Shannon

    I'm on the edge of my seat and I don't even have job tasks to take my mind off of it, just sitting here at home and waiting!

    Don't forget to do the "proper introduction" when you hand Beastie over to Karrie! ;)  

  8. # Blogger Caryl

    Remember that we are here praying for you! The best of everything and you will be an awesome MOM!!!!

    Love you!  

  9. # Blogger l

    Your post is giving me goosebumps! I'm so excited for you, surprising to me since I've never shared a verbal word with you, but I've been reading your thoughts for all these months and you've been reading mine (not mind!). Here's hoping Beastie doesn't have chicken skin like I do right now. I'll be thinking of you and checking Marie's and Karrie's blogs obsessively tomorrow.  

  10. # Blogger l

    I got goosebumps reading your post. I'm so excited for you and Rich, Kristi, that it surprises me since I've never spoken a word to you. I've just been reading your thoughts over the last few months and you've been reading mine (not mind!). In some ways, that's more intimate, isn't it? I'll be checking Marie's and Karrie's blogs obsessively tomorrow.

    Here's to new friends and hoping that Beastie doesn't have chicken skin like I do right now!  

  11. # Blogger l

    Um, OK, not trying to spamment your blog, but Blogger's doing something funky. Sorry! I guess you get the message though, huh?  

  12. # Blogger Hopeful Mother

    I am so excited for you and Rich! I hope your C-Section goes well and that Beastie is a happy and healthy little one.

    I will be praying for everything to go smoothly for you, Kristi!  

  13. # Blogger Binulatti

    I cannot wait to shake Beastie's little hand! Less than 24 hours to go...OMG!  

  14. # Blogger Christy

    Good luck! I hope you heal quickly. I can't wait to see the pictures of your little Beastie!

    You are going to love being a mom!! Congratulations!!!!!  

  15. # Blogger M

    Ok. I'm in tears as I write this. I am so excited for you. As a fellow IF girl, I know the anticipation and excitement must be immense. Hearing about it from you makes me want these next 6 weeks to fly by for me. :)
    I can't wait to hear all about it.  

  16. # Blogger sher

    I'm so excited and I felt so touched as I read this last post before Beastie arrives. All these posts are on the Internet forever (that's the way I understand it), so he/she will be able to read how welcomed and loved she/he is by so many people. I will be thinking of you and Beastie all night. All my love to you both.  

  17. # Blogger Kross-Eyed Kitty

    I've got tears in my eyes...I'm so happy for you and Rich, and Beastie is going to be one lucky baby!
    Wishing you all the best,
    Love Ramona  

  18. # Blogger Dianne S

    I started to read this post outloud to Bob, and I had to stop and say, "She's going to make me cry." So, Bob continued to read aloud and a few moments later said (all choked up), "She's going to make me cry." Of course, I was crying the whole time he continued reading.

    I can't begin to tell you how happy I am for you. I am honored that I have been able to share the details of this experience with you. Bob once said to me "Our kids will NEVER know how much we love them until they have kids of their own." There is just absolutely no way to describe it.

    Good luck tomorrow - and I can't wait to meet the baby! See you soon.

  19. # Blogger Schnozz

    Yaaay Beastie!

    Good luck. :)  

  20. # Blogger Thalia

    I will be thinking of all three of you. I hope it goes as easily as possible.  

  21. # Blogger Kross-Eyed Kitty

    It's 8:05 Tuesday morning! You're at the hospital for sure, and will see the Beastie in and hour and a half!!!!!!!
    I'm so excited for you!!!  

  22. # Blogger Shannon

    CONGRATS!! I know this is the wrong post for congrats but hurrah for the arrival of little Isabella!  

  23. # Blogger Christine

    Hooray for Baby Isabella!


  24. # Blogger kenju

    Kristi, I wish you the best of luck tomorrow - but you won't need it. I know the instant rush of love you will have for Beastie when you see him/her, and I envy you that. This is a wonderful post, and I hope someday you'll share it with Beastie, so he can know how much he was wanted.  

  25. # Blogger Heather


  26. # Blogger The Princess

    What a beautiful miracle! I am so happy for you and Rich!

    Welcome to the world Isabella.  

  27. # Blogger GLouise

    Wow! It is here! Wishing you the BEST!  

  28. # Blogger Kross-Eyed Kitty


    Congratulations to all of you, I am so happy for you!  

  29. # Blogger smashedpea

    Welcome to the world, little Isabella!

    And congrats!

    Enjoy just smelling her and staring at her in wonder, falling in love with her over and over!

    I'm jealous :)

    Oh, and make sure someone shows you the nursing football hold. That's what got me through nursing early on when I was sore from my c-section.  

  30. # Blogger Beagle

    I hope it all went well . . .(I'm a bit late to wish you luck) . . . welcome sweet baby!  

  31. # Blogger l

    What kind of counter are you going to put up to replace the pregnancy countdown? Average number of diaper changes per day?  

  32. # Blogger My Wombinations

    G-d this makes me cry. What an amazing thing.  

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Quick Snapshot:

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    born in August 2006 following
    IVF and girl/boy twins born in October 2008 following FET. Come along as I document the search for my lost intellect. It's a bumpy ride. Consider yourself warned.

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