In less than 24 hours from now, probably before noon, I'll know whether or not I'm pregnant. I'll know whether or not I'll have the best early Christmas present I could ever imagine. I'll know whether the shots both my husband and I have given myself (and continue to give) have been worth the sometimes three times-daily discomfort. I'll know whether this time next Christmas, we'll have a three-month old around the house. Whether my family will experience a joy they haven't experienced in quite some time. Whether my grandma will once again have the light in her eyes that she seems to have lost since my grandfather died 10 years ago.

My own birth brought a unique joy to my family. Every baby is welcomed and loved and celebrated when he or she arrives. But less than a year before my birth, my great-grandmother, my grandma and great aunt's mother, passed away. From what I've learned about her, she was a wonderful, incredible, and loving woman, an amazing cook, a skilled knitter and sewer, and a devoted grandma to my mother and her siblings. Her loss was felt deeply. My mother told me once that she prayed to her grandma for me, to send her a baby to brighten the lives of those who were in mourning over her loss. And my mother believes her grandma, my great-grandma, answered her prayers. When I arrived, it was if the sadness was replaced by an overwhelming sense of love and joy. My mom believes I was sent by her grandma to do just this.

I have prayed to my own papa for a baby for the past two years. Of course, I want a baby for myself and my husband, because we so desperately want to become parents. But I've also prayed to him, and still to God, despite my lapsed faith, to send us our baby for my grandma, who still, almost a decade later, is almost daily consumed by grief in missing my papa. I know what a great-grandchild would mean to her. I know what happiness my baby would bring to her life.

My grandma's song for me, which she's sung to me since I was a little girl, is "You Light Up My Life" by Debbie Boone. When I was born, she used to tell me this is what my presence did for her. I have music boxes that play this song. I have cards in which she's written out the words. She calls me on the phone whenever she hears the song on the radio. And tomorrow, at 7:30am, I'll drive to the only lab in my area that's open on a Sunday, and receive a bloodtest. A few hours later, I'll know if I can once again make my grandma smile.

7 Responses to “Knowing”

  1. # Blogger Michael Manning

    Hey! I'm first up!! My fingers are crossed for you! An amazing post!!  

  2. # Blogger Marie

    I love your family Kristi!!

    I'm praying for very good news for you guys... You could have 2 little ones at Christmas last year!  

  3. # Blogger Christine

    Kristi! I'm keeping you in my thoughts and wishing the best for you during what I can only imagine is completely nerveracking for you.

    Don't give up hope and just remember that no matter what happens, it seems to me that you continue to light up your grandmother's life no matter what.

    *sending happy thoughts!*  

  4. # Blogger Alisha

    Oh, Kristi, you made me cry!!! That was the most beautiful thing I've ever read. That is exactly how I feel about having a baby. It terrifies me to think about my mom never being a Ninny.

    I want you to know, whatever the outcome, we're here for you. I am praying for you, as always, and I am sending you every positive thought and feeling I can.

    My mom always tells me to "go to your peaceful place". Sometimes, when she tells me this, it pisses me! But then, I know she's right. Go inside you to where the spirits of all the wonderful members of your family live, and draw from that strength and love.

    We'll be waiting!  

  5. # Anonymous Clare Eats

    I don't know wht to say...

    but I am waiting on baited breath...  

  6. # Anonymous Clare Eats

    I don't know wht to say...

    but I am waiting on baited breath...  

  7. # Blogger Kristi

    Michael-Thank you!

    Marie-They are pretty great. I'm truly blessed to have them, even though they do drive me batty sometimes.

    Christine-Awww...Thanks. You're so sweet.

    Alisha-I'm sorry I made you cry! And your mom sounds like a very smart woman. My family does give me strength, even though they have no idea that they are.

    Clare-Wait no longer!  

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