Stuck in a World Without "Ps" and "Bs"

I cannot say the "P" word. I'm lucky I can type it. Or tolerate others using it in reference to me. I also have trouble saying the "B" word, preferring instead to dance around the word by referring to it in abstract terms or to point to my stomach when talking about the "P" word . These words aren't vulgar or the kinds of words that would land you in the time-out chair if you uttered them as a kid. Nope. These words that I can't say aloud are "pregnant" and "baby."

Now, it's not as if I haven't let these words pass my lips. When I had my spotting scare, I had to tell the doctor on the phone that I was 8 weeks pregnant. And I'm sure I've said "baby" aloud to my husband or friends at least a few times. But each time these words pass my lips, it feels...uncomfortable. Wrong, somehow, to be talking as if I actually AM pregnant (I still have a really hard time believing this) and that there IS actually a baby that will be born (I translate "whens," as in "when the baby is born" to "ifs" in my head). Saying the words aloud make something I am so terrified of losing real. And if it's real to me, and in a week's time, to my family, the potential loss will be devastating.

It is a defense mechanism of self-preservation I've built for myself. It is the same one that kept me away from some friends' baby showers when I was struggling with infertility. It is the same one that made me avert my eyes when they landed upon a pregnant women in the grocery store. It is the same one that built the walls of the baby-proof life I lived in for so long. Because somehow, for me, not seeing babies and pregnant women helped me to believe that in my world, they didn't exist. Doing so prevented me from experiencing the very real pain that resulted from seeing that which I thought I'd never have.

But now, apparently, I have it. Although it is still so unbelieveable. I know I need to live in the now, and embrace this pregnancy. I know I need to accept that nothing is under my control at this point, and that I have a greater than 90% chance of actually having a baby in my arms in August. I know I need to realize that the larger world of strangers that surround me, those who will wish me congratulations on my pregnancy and good luck with my baby will have no idea what I went through to get pregnant, and subsequently what havoc infertility wrecked on my brain.

It's not as if I'm not happy. I am thrilled. It is instead that I am scared. I am terrified of embracing this pregnancy and this baby wholeheartedly, because I am so scared of what will happen to me should it be taken away.

Do all expectant moms, regardless of how it was that they became pregnant, feel like this in the beginning? Did those of you with children embrace your pregnancy the minute that second line appeared on your test? What did you go through emotionally in the first few months?

8 Responses to “Stuck in a World Without "Ps" and "Bs"”

  1. # Blogger kenju

    Kristie, I understand. I have 3 kids and yes, I did embrace each pregnancy immediately, but there was always a little nagging doubt that I could carry to term (especially with the first one). I wish you good luck and good health and a wonderful baby in the months to come.

    Michele sent me.  

  2. # Blogger Alisha

    I had a converstion with Mitch's ex-wife the other day about the kids, and I said, as I often do, "it's just different when you don't have children". She said, "You know, it's really not. It's not like you wake up the day you find out you're pregnant with this newfound realization of life. Every parent learns every day". I thought about that for awhile, because being on the infertility camp, I've often been mystified by "mothers".

    Medically, I know that there are many milestones during each pregnancy, and with each of them come just a bit more comfort.

    I think that you are perfectly normal in your feelings. I wish and pray for you all the comfort that comes with the heartbeat, the US's, the flutters, the kicks.

    And, in my humble oppinion, this is one lucky kid!!!  

  3. # Blogger D

    I think that every expectant mom has some anxiety. I think that after struggeling with IF we are different. After months and years of our bodies disappointing and failing us, when we finally do become pregnant it is hard, if not impossible to trust that our body will not let us down again.

    When the average person sees that second line they assume that in 9 months there will be a baby...with us this way of thinking takes much longer.  

  4. # Blogger Marie

    I remember saying the words, but having them not seem real to me. I was 37 when I became pregnant, and I had been ready to have a family for several years. The reality of the biological clock was hitting hard. I think I was more thrilled and relieved than afraid, because I didn't know if I'd ever have the family life that I wanted (different reason than yours).

    I do remember being nervous, especially when I fell early on, and the nausea kept me pretty distracted! While I knew there was a baby growing inside of me, it took a while before the miracle sunk in as real. As the months passed, and I felt movement & hiccups, I just couldn't wait to see him and hold him!

    The words I had a hard time with (after the birth) were mother, father, and son! For a long time, I had a hard time believing that I was someone's mother... and that I have a son!

    I can understand not wanting to get too attached, when you've been so let down in the past. This baby is attached to you -- literally! ;-)

    Have you seen the NOVA video on the the developing baby? It might be called the miracle of life or something like that. I've seen it at the library -- I watched that when I was pregnant, and it pretty much blew me away!  

  5. # Blogger cara

    Getting PG was never my problem, carring thje baby was mine. I have a certain anti-body that can cause heart complications for my baby. I know what it feels like to be afraid for your baby. The best thing you can do for yourself and YOUR baby, is to love this pregnancy. Talk to this baby, say the words over and over again. Make it real. Kristi it is real and it's finally time for you to experiance the joy that you have longed for. Go ahead girl, don't be afraid anymore!  

  6. # Blogger Binulatti

    Shish, I totally understand the defense mechanism thing, especially after such a drawn-out series of let-downs. But this time around is *different* from all the others. It's different 'cause it worked. It's OK to be optimistic. All you can do is your best to just take care of yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally. And above all things, know and take some kind of solace in the fact that there is nothing life will throw at you that you won't be able to handle, if not by yourself, then with the support of those who love you. Y'know us people who'd throw ourselves in front of a (double decker) bus for you?  

  7. # Blogger Shane

    michele sent me because she wanted me to understand that the "p" and "b" words are not pizza and beer  

  8. # Blogger Kristi

    Kenju-Thanks for stopping by, and for the good luck.

    Alisha-Aww.. that's so sweet of you to say.
    It's the milestones that are getting me through this. I just wish they weren't so far apart.

    D-You're so right. I think I am just expecting my body to fail me. In many ways IF has made me a much stronger person, but I wish I had the emotions and hope of someone who never had to go through it.

    Marie-I haven't seen that video. I'll check it out, thanks!

    Cara-Good advice. I'm going to try my darndest to follow it!

    Karrie-Aww...Thanks. I just wish optimism wasn't so hard for me.  

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