This is a Land of Confusion

The rent came due for my four frosties (or as my mother calls them, her "frozen grandchildren") the other day. $240.00 to keep my embryos cryogenically frozen for another year. And with that bill, came the discussion Rich and I had about when exactly we want to try for our second child (and last) child. I cannot even fathom having another little one anytime soon (and that's if we're even able to conceive, because, as you know, baby-making ain't all about mood lighting, two straws in a bottle of wine, and some Barry White on the old turn-table in my house). But I'm not getting any younger (31 in 25 days), and statistically, the younger you are, the more likely your IVF cycle will work. Plus, as I'm realizing, Isabella is going to need a sibling to prevent her head from growing to twice its normal size from the ridiculous amount of attention she receives in my family.

So I had been thinking a lot about motherhood lately (mainly my own, of course), when I came across this post, nominated by Marie over at Practigal for her Perfect Post Award for the month of February. Read it. And then ask yourself what you would do in the same situation. Because what the author of the post did for the sake of another woman's children whom she witnessed being abused was extraordinary. I'm not usually the overly emotional type when it comes to sad human stories. Tell me a depressing story about an animal, or make me watch that Pedigree dog food commercial with the dogs in the animal shelter ("I know I'm a good dog. And I just want to go home"), and the tears? They are flowing. Christine and I have shared a Kleenex over that one. But after reading this horrific tale, well. It brought tears to my eyes.

And to round out my thoughts on motherhood in the past week, I watched a documentary on Discovery Health called 14 Children and Pregnant Again. And yes, they are all biological children. That woman had been pregnant a uterus-shattering 14 times. And during the course of the documentary, she gave birth to two more children for a total of 16. 16 freaking kids! Now, while this woman is clearly Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs on multiple levels, it's obvious from the documentary that she loves her children.

Motherhood is a strange experience. Being a mom can, in a single 24-hour day, make me want to whip out the needles and the drugs and start the IVF process all over again tomorrow one minute, and in the next move me to place my daughter gingerly amongst the cantalope in the grocery store and make for the nearest exit while hoping some nice woman decides to pick her up and take her home.

Is this schizophrenic, Sybil-like behavior normal? I'm not sure. But here's what I do know. Being a mom has changed my life in ways I never imagined, some of which I'm proud of, and some of which I'm not. Motherhood is an evolutionary process as well, because I feel that while I've learned so much since bringing Isabella home six months ago, I still have a ways to go in order to feel totally comfortable and at peace with my new life, its sacrifices, and the enormous responsibility of caring for such a helpless little being.

So I'll pay the rent on my embryos, while I try to figure this whole motherhood thing out. I figure that by the time Isabella is ready to retire I'll have things under control.

11 Responses to “This is a Land of Confusion”

  1. # Blogger kenju

    I suspect that you and your husband will know when the time is right. It is certainly too soon to consider it. Isabella is at an age where she needs your full attention and if you were to get pregnant again, you would not be able to do that.

    As to the woman with 14 and pregnant again? I think she's nuts. If you love kids that much, have 3-4 of your own and then adopt a few who would otherwise have no family.  

  2. # Blogger Marie

    Yes, the Sybil thing is completely 100% normal. I think Judy's right -- you guys will know.

    My Mom got pregnant again when I was 6 months old -- just like Isabella! Probably the same for your Mom, right? Can't.Even.Imagine.

    You are very young, Kristi!  

  3. # Anonymous ramona

    Thanks for sending me over to Hula's, what a story! And what a brave lady.
    I'm 40 and my mother is still Sybil. I'm not sure that ever goes away... ;)  

  4. # Blogger Damselfly

    I wish I could leave a deep, meaningful comment to go along with your post, but I don't know much about IVF and everything you had to go through, emotions and all. (Although I love how you call them frosties!) So I'll just say I think it's great that you were able to become a mom, and your frosties will have great loving parents when the time is right!  

  5. # Blogger sher

    I'm going to repeat the same thing that has been said--you will both decide when the time is right. And it will be right. I love that you have the frosties! :):)  

  6. # Blogger My Wombinations

    I'll look forward to reading about your continued adventures with Isabella--and when you decide to go for the second. As for myself, I am having a hard time imagining a time when I will EVER be ready for a second so I will be interested to see how your decision evolves.  

  7. # Anonymous MissMeliss

    I'm almost 37 and we haven't gotten around to a first child yet. We talk about it more...but...we like our lifestyle, too.  

  8. # Blogger Kristi

    Kenju-I definitely agree. There's no way I would have the energy to take care of Isabella while caring for a newborn. And yeah, that woman should adopt. There's no reason to have that many biological children, when there are so many kids in need of homes.

    Marie-Yup. My mom got pregnant with my sister when I was 7 months old!

    Ramona-Thinking about that story still gives me the chills.

    Damselfly-Aww... thank you. :)

    Sher-Thanks. The frosties will stay on ice for now!

    My Wominations-I know that feeling. It's hard to imagine a second when your first is so young. I can't imagine how my mom did it, having my sister and I 17 months apart.

    MissMeliss-You have time still. And the lifestyle change is a huge adjustment, which in retrospect, I really wasn't ready for!  

  9. # Anonymous Veronica

    The perfect time to have another child is probably in about a year or so -- Isabella will be more indepedent, and you can give the new one some more attention. Not to mention you give them enough space to be able to be friends (if they so choose).

    Don't worry about it -- if you want it, you'll get another one. My sister wants six little tots running around. Now, about to pop out her first one, she isn't sure she wants anymore, and is thinking about adopting the other 5... I think it's a physiological thing with trying to figure out how the first one will pop out!  

  10. # Blogger sunShine

    That pedigree commercial just kills me. I have to change the channel. Visiting the local animal shelter is why I have 3 dogs. I cannot even imagine having 16 children that would require you to be pregnant 16 times. She has to be cookoo. One was enough for me! Yes you are perfectly normal. I think most moms have those thoughts.  

  11. # Blogger Shannon

    just catching up... I am so glad that woman called on that nutt job... but I am glad you are going to try again... and like others have said you and the hubby will know when the time is right...  

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    mother to a daughter
    born in August 2006 following
    IVF and girl/boy twins born in October 2008 following FET. Come along as I document the search for my lost intellect. It's a bumpy ride. Consider yourself warned.

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