Baby Got Back

...and it's currently shoved up into my ribs center-stage, where it's been residing for the past two weeks or so. Beastie is head down, "in position" (as if such things mattered, which they don't since I'm having a c-section), and his/her back is wedged firmly on my right side. Beastie has obviously selected my right side as his/her side of choice (dear go-o-d, please let this not be a sign of Beastie's future political affiliation) because not once have I felt the Beastie body on my left.

And I am reaching that uncomfortable final stage of pregnancy.

Let me first say that I am having a really hard time even writing this post. As most of you know, this pregnancy didn't come easily to me. We tried for two years. We went through over a year of fertility treatments. We went through 5 failed IUIs, and were blessed with Beastie on our first IVF cycle. So complaining about the pregnancy is not something I feel entitled to do. There are so many women, some who read this blog, who would give anything to be feeling the pains I'm feeling now, and I'm ever-mindful of this. But because I didn't create this blog to self-censor, I'm going to admit, with a degree of guilt, that playing host to the Beastie body is getting really difficult. Which of course isn't to say that I would trade it for anything. I know how lucky I am. And I will never forget what I went through to get here.

Sitting upright for eight hours a day in my "Ergonomics? What's that?"-assigned company chair is all but impossible. Not only does it hurt my back, but I literally cannot lean forward to type on my keyboard because I have what feels like a stack of bricks shoved way up into my chest. I take frequent breaks. I walk around. But most often, nothing helps.

I understand now why many women start maternity leave a week or two before their due dates in a way I didn't before. I always thought it was silly to take time off before the baby even arrives, but not only is my body not co-operating most days, my mind isn't either. I'm distracted. I can't remember things my co-workers tell me worth shit. Sometimes, even walking to and from the bathroom takes effort. And most embarrassingly, I've started taking the elevator to my third floor office, rather than the stairs, which I've always taken, up until about a week ago. I feel like my body is betraying me. I used to run 30 miles a week, and now I'm exhausted from hoofing it up a few flights of stairs?

Now I know all this is normal. It happens to every woman (or most every woman) in the final weeks of her pregnancy. But I guess I stupidly didn't think it would happen to me. I walk much slower now than I used to, to the point where I have to tell my husband, who usually would refuse to even take walks with me because my pace was so much quicker than his, to slow down. And sometimes I can sleep. And sometimes I can't.

Beastie will be here in 3 weeks and 6 days. I can't wait to meet him or her. I can't wait to see who Beastie looks like, and to be the mother to the baby I never thought I'd have. I can last that long, and I would last longer if I had to. But I'm ready to not share my body anymore.

And now a break from your regularly scheduled programming. Because I am 9 years old (and perhaps many of you are as well), I thought I would point out two entertaining advertisements I saw in a pregnancy magazine last night. The first is this. First item on the top of the list. Now, besides the hysterical name, wouldn't this contraption cause even MORE attention directed at you if you whipped this out in public? And the second is this. Weee! Look how easy pumping is! You can hook yourself up, talk on the phone, and schedule a power lunch in your daytimer, all at the exact same time! Who ever said breastfeeding has to slow you down?

19 Responses to “Baby Got Back”

  1. # Blogger Marie

    You're in the home stretch, Kristi! Yeehaww!!! And it's uncomfortable, no matter how you got there! You'll have your body back to yourself very soon.

    The link to the first contraption didn't come through... just the catalog.

    As for the second, let me tell you... I considered getting something like that. Sounds & looks crazy, but BOTH hands are occupied when you're pumping, otherwise. And time is precious with an infant. Hands-free is a brilliant idea!! My sister used to set herself up in her private office at work, with bottles propped just so on her desk drawer. And she could type on her computer while pumping! She was a PRO!  

  2. # Blogger Marie

    OK. I see the Hooter Hider now. That is very funny!!  

  3. # Blogger Caryl

    Sara just turned 21, but I can remember the last few weeks like it was yesterday. I remember I had to sleep on the floor, on my back, with my knees bent just to get a few winks some nights!!! It will be over soon and you will be hauling the beastie and all the "stuff" that he/she needs.

    The links to the contraptions are hysterical. I can't believe that someone would name something the Hooter Hider - now I'm in the mood for wings :-)  

  4. # Blogger Christine

    Only a few more weeks and then the Beastie's arrival...I'm so so happy for you.

    Plus if the Beastie is facing your rear, then (s)he is leaning towards his or her Left side. no worries....

    If not, I'm sure life experiences will straighten it all out.  

  5. # Anonymous clare eats

    I was admiring THE CUTEST little baby clothes today and thinking hmmm which one for the beastie then I realised I don't know if I should buy pink or blue and that I don't think a baby boy can wear a tiny pink skirt.... even if his mum is liberal :P

    Do you have bonds clothing in the USA?  

  6. # Blogger Dawn

    Those products crack me up! Yeah, I'll take two of the hooter hiders and a hands-free pump shirt-make that halter-top style!

    I remember not being comfortable. And I hate to tell you this, but unless you are blessed with an angel who sleeps through the night, this is probably better sleep than you're going to have for a while! I slept on the couch whenever I could, which was throughout the evening before going to bed, because it was a little bit better than the bed's flat surface.  

  7. # Blogger M

    So well stated. I am only 30 weeks, so I still have lots of time to grow and get uncomfortable...but it's set in. And yet when people ask me how I feel I say "great! no complaints!" Meanwhile I am feeling this terrible soreness under my belly in my pelvic region. It is sore to walk, or roll over, or get up. My legs are are my feet...which double their size by the end of the day. And my back- I have given up on. It's just flat out sore.
    But like you, after 2 years, 2 IUIs, horrible tests, and 1 IVF- here I am at 30 weeks. I feel like the last thing I should do is complain. So I will continue to answer "I feel great. No complaints" when anyone asks. But now you know the truth. lol  

  8. # Blogger l

    OHMYGAWD that pump is frightening! I've heard all about them but never seen one out of the big black bag and if that's what you have to do....yipes! My commendation for all women who attach themselves to this torture device disguised as a breast pump for the sake of their child. After seeing this, the inequity in child rearing is even more apparent. I think the corresponding man should have to wear nipple clamps while the mother of his child is pumping.  

  9. # Anonymous kross-eyed kitty

    I like that easy-expression halter. You can go shopping, our for a walk with beastie, or later maybe even out for lunch or dinner at a family restaurant, and still keep on pumping while looking very chic!
    Here's hoping that the next three weeks and 6 days fly by for you. You sound ready for the action!  

  10. # Blogger Binulatti

    Well, you could always be like Britney and (re)schedule your c-section weeks early to avoid that pesky weight gain and growing baby discomfort which is like, OMG so uncool, y'all. I know emulating her is one of your life missions, so maybe consider it, and stuff.  

  11. # Blogger Hopeful Mother

    I hope you find some methods to increase your comfor in upcoming weeks...

    I can't believe it's only 3 weeks and 6 days. So looking forward to reading THAT post with your Beastie Birth Story!  

  12. # Blogger CAL

    Bitch, bitch, bitch.

    Just wait til the pain and discomfort she causes when she's a teenager. ;)  

  13. # Anonymous sher

    Oh Kristi!! Your sense of humor is in overdrive. Of course Beastie will be a left winger. This is the only time he/she will ever be on the right! And I think the second contraption could be useful--but that crazy ass picture looks like something from Saturday Night Live!  

  14. # Blogger Kristi

    Marie-Wow, your sis was a pro! Although just the mental image of that makes me giggle. I know. I'm 5. ;)

    Caryl-You poor thing. That sounds awful!

    Christine-I never thought about it that way, but you're right. Yay!

    Clare-We don't have Bonds here, at least that I'm aware of. Beastie will be clothed in all shades of yellow and green in the early months, since everyone who has bought me clothes for him/her has had the exact same problem as you have! ;)

    Dawn-Yup, I've heard this. I guess I should consider myself in "sleep deprivation training."

    M-It's really hard, since we both know how lucky we are to be able to even have these complaints in the first place. But I feel like if I voice them, I seem ungrateful for this huge gift I've been given. Such a dilemna!

    L-I'll bring up the nipple clamp idea to Rich. I'm sure he'll be willing to give them a try. :)

    Ramona-It's so versatile, isn't it?

    Karrie-How did you know I'm modeling my motherhood style after Britney? I've already scheduled an interview with Matt Lauer, and a windstorm for that same day, so I don't have to do my hair.

    Hopeful Mother-Time is flying now. It's crazy. I can't wait to post the Beastie arrival story, too. :)

    Cal-I know!

    Sher-LOL. Maybe I should mail it in to the writers at SNL?  

  15. # Blogger annelynn

    Sorry to hear you're getting so uncomfortable. However - getting ever more excited out here in blogland to see that sweet Beastie's face!

    And - dear God, the double-pumper ad? I have no words.  

  16. # Blogger The Princess

    I pumped exclusively for 5 months as I was to sick at first to nurse, and trust me, that picture is false advertising!!

    Good luck with home stretch! I worked until 1 week before my due date, 2 weeks from my due date. I can so emphasize with you!  

  17. # Blogger sunShine

    Hang in there. I remember my last momth of pregnancy. I could barely get up the stairs to my office and we don't have an elevator. Thank goodness my boss let me park in his space near the front door. It got so bad in my last month that I could not roll over in the bed at night without waking up and moaning in pain. I was all baby and he was so far down in my pelvis, his head was on my bladder. Yeah comfy! Anyway you have every right to complain, you have earned the right, it is something you get to do when you are pregnant!

    The Hooter Hider is way too funny!  

  18. # Anonymous Anonymous
  19. # Anonymous Anonymous

    Where did you find it? Interesting read film editing schools  

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