My Mom Has Lost Her Ever-Loving Mind
10 Comments posted by Kristi on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 at 7:52 AM
My mom's initial reaction to the baby news on Sunday was one of complete and total disbelief. She wasn't teary or excited. Her voice (we told her over the phone since she lives five hours away) once we told her revealed shock and awe (heavy on the shock). She congratulated me, but it was almost as if I had graduated at the top of my class, or had just told her of a promotion I received at work. Her reaction was strange, especially given the reaction of everyone else we had told, but not unexpected.
I know my mom is worried about my health. She is worried how my Crohn's disease will react to not being on the medication that keeps me in remission. She's spent 25 of my 30 years worried about my health, and I've given her good reason to. I was a very sick little girl growing up...in hospitals more than I was in school, doubled over in pain whenever I'd get out of bed to walk to the bathroom. She's seen me at my rock-bottom worst, and in many ways, that's the image of my health she still has. This, coupled with the fact that my mom still sees me as 10 years old (she still asks me to sit on her lap, and signs her emails to me "love, mommy," a term I haven't used for her in over 20 years) make her reaction to the news more understandable. However, I guess I expected a degree of happiness to accompany the shock. And it didn't.
On Monday morning, I emailed her the link to the video we took of "the telling." Her reaction was more of the same: "I'm still in shock. It's going to take me awhile to get used to this." Then the madness ensued. Not 24 hours after hearing the news, my mom launched herself into full-on crazy mode with the following requests:
1. "I need a list of people you want to attend your shower by this weekend at the latest."
2. "Let's talk about places to have your shower. Also, I was thinking of Sunday, June 18th. I'd like to book it this coming weekend."
3. I'm already thinking about baby furniture-crib, changing table, dresser, playpen, highchair, car seat. All the stuff little critters need! You'll have to register."
4. "What color are you painting the nursery? Have you thought of themes? Disney animals (retch), wildlife, Raggedy Ann and Andy?"
5. "What kind of furniture do you want? Unpainted wood? Cherry?"
No friends, I am not exaggerating. I am not making any of these questions up. I am 11w3d and mommy dearest wants to plan my shower already. And the sad part of this whole thing is that I believe she's launched herself into crazy mode because she's going to be gone the entire summer on a six-week vacation with #4. And she wants my shower to take place before she leaves. But of course, she's not saying this, instead saying that "places book early" and "you'll want to have time to buy what you don't receive at your shower." My mom doesn't deal well in the truth.
So back and forth we emailed (admittedly not the best method of communication for a discussion of this nature) as I explained to her that it is WAY too early for me to even THINK about planning a shower. That I'm not even out of my first trimester yet, and that contrary to what many believe, a pregnancy does not always equal a baby and that I am just concentrating on doing all I can to ensure the baby stays put at this point. That my mind couldn't be further from nursery colors and cribs and shower guests.
Perhaps if I were "normal" and didn't go through the infertility gauntlet, my mind would be in a different place right now. But the fact is, I did go through it, I'm still scared every day, and I cannot make the transition yet to "planning for the baby" mode. I just can't. I'm making small strides in this area, especially now that almost everyone knows about the baby, but my head isn't where hers is yet.
She knows we did "fertility treatments," but that's all. I'm hoping this weekend when she blows into town and I sit her down and tell her exactly what we went through that she will chill the hell out. Because if she doesn't, I'm certain my head is going to explode.
I know my mom is worried about my health. She is worried how my Crohn's disease will react to not being on the medication that keeps me in remission. She's spent 25 of my 30 years worried about my health, and I've given her good reason to. I was a very sick little girl growing up...in hospitals more than I was in school, doubled over in pain whenever I'd get out of bed to walk to the bathroom. She's seen me at my rock-bottom worst, and in many ways, that's the image of my health she still has. This, coupled with the fact that my mom still sees me as 10 years old (she still asks me to sit on her lap, and signs her emails to me "love, mommy," a term I haven't used for her in over 20 years) make her reaction to the news more understandable. However, I guess I expected a degree of happiness to accompany the shock. And it didn't.
On Monday morning, I emailed her the link to the video we took of "the telling." Her reaction was more of the same: "I'm still in shock. It's going to take me awhile to get used to this." Then the madness ensued. Not 24 hours after hearing the news, my mom launched herself into full-on crazy mode with the following requests:
1. "I need a list of people you want to attend your shower by this weekend at the latest."
2. "Let's talk about places to have your shower. Also, I was thinking of Sunday, June 18th. I'd like to book it this coming weekend."
3. I'm already thinking about baby furniture-crib, changing table, dresser, playpen, highchair, car seat. All the stuff little critters need! You'll have to register."
4. "What color are you painting the nursery? Have you thought of themes? Disney animals (retch), wildlife, Raggedy Ann and Andy?"
5. "What kind of furniture do you want? Unpainted wood? Cherry?"
No friends, I am not exaggerating. I am not making any of these questions up. I am 11w3d and mommy dearest wants to plan my shower already. And the sad part of this whole thing is that I believe she's launched herself into crazy mode because she's going to be gone the entire summer on a six-week vacation with #4. And she wants my shower to take place before she leaves. But of course, she's not saying this, instead saying that "places book early" and "you'll want to have time to buy what you don't receive at your shower." My mom doesn't deal well in the truth.
So back and forth we emailed (admittedly not the best method of communication for a discussion of this nature) as I explained to her that it is WAY too early for me to even THINK about planning a shower. That I'm not even out of my first trimester yet, and that contrary to what many believe, a pregnancy does not always equal a baby and that I am just concentrating on doing all I can to ensure the baby stays put at this point. That my mind couldn't be further from nursery colors and cribs and shower guests.
Perhaps if I were "normal" and didn't go through the infertility gauntlet, my mind would be in a different place right now. But the fact is, I did go through it, I'm still scared every day, and I cannot make the transition yet to "planning for the baby" mode. I just can't. I'm making small strides in this area, especially now that almost everyone knows about the baby, but my head isn't where hers is yet.
She knows we did "fertility treatments," but that's all. I'm hoping this weekend when she blows into town and I sit her down and tell her exactly what we went through that she will chill the hell out. Because if she doesn't, I'm certain my head is going to explode.
ACK
that is hard,it is obviously her way of dealing with the situation.... I am sure that when she seesyou and you talk to her in person it will help,I hope. I don't know that the here read my blog approach will work here...
Perhaps you need to tell her what you think her role is andhow she can help you, then she will feel like she has apurpose, andshe will have a hopefully useful outlet for her anxiety!
BTW YAY 11 weeks :)
Yipes! I'm sure she'll try and be a little more considerate of your feelings once you're open with her about your thoughts relating to your pregnancy. And I can only imagine it's hard for her to give up her image of you as her little girl...so I would bet that this is also contributing to the situation.
In any case, I'm still proud of you for coming out to them. That was huge.
I think you're completely normal, Kristi! There's no way I was ready to talk about those things at that point... maybe some people are, I don't know. I don't think it's being superstitious or overly cautious either.
Get ready for 6 more months of inquisitions and advice-giving! (and more once the baby arrives!) Our histories with our families sure give all that a nice little "edge," huh?
Can you have an honest-to-goodness conversation with her, where she'll listen to what you say? Let her know what you need from her now... hopefully she'll oblige!
ps -- Whose "retch" was that? Hers or yours?! I'm assuming it was your addition. Made me laugh... ;-) Thank goodness for your sense of humor -- it'll help you through this!
Well, the good thing is that the shock is over! And she does sound excited. And interested.
Hopefully, you can calm her down this weekend, and let her know that one day at a time is working best for you right now.
Whoo-hoo on passing 11 weeks!!! How are you feeling?
Good luck with that.
Clare-I wish I could let her read this blog! Unfortunately, I still don't think she would "get it." I'm hoping to have a nice "sit down" with her and sort things out!
Christine-I know this plays a part. I just wish she had around six more kids, rather than just two, so she could spread her "love" around.
Marie-Thanks! I was beginning to think my reaction to her shower plans was out of line! Glad to know I'm not alone in that. And yes, we're going to have an honest talk this weekend, I hope, sans #4 if all goes well. And that "retch" was definitely mine!
Ramona-I'm feeling really good. No puking, just feeling tired a lot of the time. Thanks for asking!
Kenju-Thanks!
Bless your heart!!!
Don't you just love it when people freak out? I always try to see the humor in situations, and freaking out is usually a very humorous ordeal.
11 weeks...my God, where has the time gone to??? That is AMAZING, and I am so happy for you, Kristi!
BTW, my blog has moved. If you'll email me I'll send you the link, just not prepared to publicize it yet.
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