I am beginning to rethink my decision to share the news of the FET with my mom.
She arrived on Thursday afternoon, and I will first say that she was an amazing help with Isabella over the past few days. I haven't had to lift her or strain myself doing any of the myriad physical tasks moms do on a daily basis. She's entertained her constantly, and it's very cool to watch the little bond between Isabella and her "Ammy" (Grammy).
That said, the second she saw me laying in bed on Thursday afternoon, she went right to my stomach, tickled it, and said, "Hi, Little Critters!"
There are no Little Critters in there. I have a chance for Little Critters to be there. But they may have other ideas. I told her this, and informed her that I in no way wanted to talk about anything that may or may not occur before 3/17 when I have my bloodtest. She said she understood.
A few hours later we were eating dinner together, and we had the following conversation:
Mamacita: "So when are you going to tell your grandmother and aunt that you're pregnant?"
Me: "I'm not pregnant."
Mamacita: "I know that. But after the 17th, when do you plan on spilling the beans."
Me: "I'm not pregnant."
Mamacita: "Right. But you'll know you're pregnant on the 17th, and the following Sunday is Easter. Will you tell them before then? Or maybe, on Easter!"
And even after I very calmly and patiently explained the finer points of how IVF works, that nothing is guaranteed, and the details of my strict constructionist adaptation of what's going on inside me right now, she still insisted on saying goodnight to the "critters" before she went upstairs to bed Thursday night. And she started again with the pregnancy talk the next day.
Mamacita: "The baby will be due sometime in November, right? If you could schedule your C-section for the Friday before Thanksgiving week, I could take the whole week off."
Me: "I'm not pregnant."
This is precisely why I didn't tell anyone in my family the first time we did IVF. I should have told my sister. She would have known how to handle things. But as my mom is obviously demonstrating, she is not only a bit clueless about how infertility has affected the way my mind works, she is also becoming emotionally invested in the outcome of my cycle.
And if the outcome isn't want I want, well. She's going to be hurting too.
She arrived on Thursday afternoon, and I will first say that she was an amazing help with Isabella over the past few days. I haven't had to lift her or strain myself doing any of the myriad physical tasks moms do on a daily basis. She's entertained her constantly, and it's very cool to watch the little bond between Isabella and her "Ammy" (Grammy).
That said, the second she saw me laying in bed on Thursday afternoon, she went right to my stomach, tickled it, and said, "Hi, Little Critters!"
There are no Little Critters in there. I have a chance for Little Critters to be there. But they may have other ideas. I told her this, and informed her that I in no way wanted to talk about anything that may or may not occur before 3/17 when I have my bloodtest. She said she understood.
A few hours later we were eating dinner together, and we had the following conversation:
Mamacita: "So when are you going to tell your grandmother and aunt that you're pregnant?"
Me: "I'm not pregnant."
Mamacita: "I know that. But after the 17th, when do you plan on spilling the beans."
Me: "I'm not pregnant."
Mamacita: "Right. But you'll know you're pregnant on the 17th, and the following Sunday is Easter. Will you tell them before then? Or maybe, on Easter!"
I understand how difficult it is to grasp the complexities of IVF and infertility if you haven't walked in my shoes. I honestly do. I'm happy to answer questions about the drug protocol, the transfer procedure, the science behind embryo creation, and even how I'm feeling about the possibility of having multiples. But please don't talk to me as if I am already pregnant. Yes, there are embryos inside my uterus right now. Yes, I am very much hoping at least one implants. Yes, I am nervous, excited, and stressed out all at the same time.
But I am not pregnant right now. I am not thinking about names, or due dates, or telling my family. If my clinic calls me with a decent beta number on the 17th, then yeah, maybe I'll believe it then. But certainly not before.And even after I very calmly and patiently explained the finer points of how IVF works, that nothing is guaranteed, and the details of my strict constructionist adaptation of what's going on inside me right now, she still insisted on saying goodnight to the "critters" before she went upstairs to bed Thursday night. And she started again with the pregnancy talk the next day.
Mamacita: "The baby will be due sometime in November, right? If you could schedule your C-section for the Friday before Thanksgiving week, I could take the whole week off."
Me: "I'm not pregnant."
This is precisely why I didn't tell anyone in my family the first time we did IVF. I should have told my sister. She would have known how to handle things. But as my mom is obviously demonstrating, she is not only a bit clueless about how infertility has affected the way my mind works, she is also becoming emotionally invested in the outcome of my cycle.
And if the outcome isn't want I want, well. She's going to be hurting too.
Oh, Kristi. I'm so sorry.
It is a difficult concept to grasp. When I told my husband that you and transferred three embryos he exclaimed, "She's having triplets?!" Then I had to explain to him exactly what you explained to your mom.
I think my mother would act the same way. She'd probably go shopping and bring home baby outfits. Or worse, she'd tell EVERYONE what was happening. I can certainly understand your not wanting to tell anyone.
Ouch. That must add a whole other level of angst to an angst ridden situation.
I hope you and your mom have reason to celebrate on the 17th (and beyond), but I know the other possibility is still all too real at this stage.
Fingers crossed here . . .
Ouch. I wondered if this might happen... then again, try to not let her emotional investment get to you. You have been completely honest about the potential outcomes. If it does not turn out the way you wish, you will have your hands full with your own emotions. You can't take on the world. Hang in there. I am counting down until next Mon.
Yikes, that's tough. I'm all too familiar with the stress of the potential of letting people down. Even when it's not really me letting them down. I know it's easier said than done, but I hope you're able to let go of your mother's emotional investment for the timebeing.
Hon, I can only imagine how hard that is... I know she only means well, but I'm sure you're trying to just EXIST until the tests on the 17th, without thinking about it too much, and having someone who is ONLY optimistic would be trying on the nerves... Hang in there.
Gah... there's the downside, huh? I think I might have been doing some yelling. I'm sorry Kristi... Now that she's gone, you don't have to listen to those comments. Don't answer the phone if you don't want to!
its a mom's job to think for the better on things... but I understand completely what you are saying and thinking... wait for the blood tests... I think I would wait a few weeks after that before telling anyone... maybe for the first US to see how many there are etc... if the blood tests come out the way you want them...
That comes under the category of "does not get it." Oh well ... people can just be like that I suppose. It's lovely that she's being so supportive though.
Fingers crossed for some good beta numbers!!
Oh, yikes. Sounds like your mom's an optimist and is probably banking on the miracle of Isabella to be the miracle once more. That must have been hard to have to repeat yourself and try to contain the expectations and planning of your mom. Try not to worry about what her feelings will be if things don't work out. It's another thing you don't have any control over and why cross that bridge before it's upon you? I'm hoping you don't have to at all.
My 2 cents, if you want it, is that you need to sit her down and talk to get really, really strongly. Don't sugar-coat it, and really try and make sure she hears you. I know it may not help, but I think you have to try. You explained it really well here, but I suspect you haven't used some of those same words with her. Tell her you can't be responsible for her feelings too. Tell her you can't have her denying the reality of your situation--that it's too hard while you're trying to overcome denying reality yourself. Tell her to please think about you and what you need right now. I'm a woman who has struggled and I understand where you are, but I'm also the mother of a grown child now, and I always want him to feel like he can tell me the tough stuff. If I don't react like he needs, then he needs to be straight with me so that there don't become roadblocks in our relationship. Good luck. You're in my thoughts. Of course, if you do end up pregnant, then there's no stopping her! If you go for it again, don't tell her!
"Little critters," hee hee! She's just so excited. That's great that she's so supportive. Keeping good thoughts for you....