I'm 33 today.

33 seems really, really old. Except that it isn't. It's just that I feel every one of my years for perhaps the first time in my life.

I've always looked youthful. It runs in my family, as my mom who is 58 and my grandma who is 79 both look about 10 years younger than their actual ages. But motherhood has kicked my butt this year. I'm noticing a lot more grey in my hair. I'm wiped out a lot. And I need not mention the permanent bags under my eyes for the hundredth time.

I feel 33, if not older.

I've spent enough time grousing about my issues with motherhood and childcare, so I'm not going to do it again in this post. I feel like this is going to be a transformative year for me, where I'm either going to have to come to terms with the reality of my life or I'm going to need to make some changes. Given my penchant for dissatisfaction with the status quo, the latter is the more likely of the two to happen. Of course, as I sit here typing, I have no idea how to do so.

My 84-year-old great uncle is taking me out to lunch today. My great aunt, and my grandma are coming over to watch the kids. I have a certificate from Cold Stone Creamery for free ice cream (thanks, Shannon, for cluing me in to that birthday promotion a few years ago!), so I may load up the kids and treat those of us with teeth to ice cream. Other than that, I have no plans for the day. The hubs and I have spent both of our birthdays, plus our anniversary, every year since we first started dating in 1997 having dinner at our favorite restaurant, which is located about 30 minutes from our house. This year, given the twins' bedtime antics, that's not possible. There's no way we could ask a sitter to deal with bedtime for Isabella, Luci, and Nicholas. It's an absolute circus here every night, and it wouldn't be fair.

That said, I'm really, really going to miss that dinner, and the time alone with my husband, sans kids.

I know this post seems like I'm mired in melancholy, but I'm not. I'm just...resigned. My life is what it is, and next year at this time, I hope to be in a much better place.

And of course, it's not all bad. I have much to be grateful for. I have three great children, where at this time just four years ago, I thought I would never have any.

I have a husband I love a lot (when he's not driving me insane-hi, dear!).

We have enough money to pay our bills (for the most part), we're not starving, and my husband has a full-time job. So many families right now are not as fortunate.

I have an amazing family who is always there for help, support, and to offer the occasional assvice, which I promptly then ignore. (Stay tuned-new story coming soon!)

And perhaps most importantly, I live within walking distance of a Starbucks.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support and ideas for "me time" in response to my last post. I truly wish I had the time to email each of you to express just how grateful I really am, but as you know, time isn't exactly something I have in great supply. Just know that I read every comment, and even cried while reading some of them. As Ness said, I may feel like I'm trapped inside someone else's life right now, but I'm still in there, and one of these days, the "me" I've lost is going to show up when least expected.

And when I do, look out.

15 Responses to “33”

  1. # Blogger Simply-Mel

    Look out indeed! I have seen glimpses of *you* and you are a force to be reckoned with.

    I really am only beginning to find myself again this year...not to say it hasnt been a process but this is the first year I can begin to truly dig deep and rekindle the stuff that lights my fire.

    Happy birthday my friend. I swear if I lived closer I could TOTALLY handle the bedtime mania and would ship you and your man off to dinner....  

  2. # Blogger Mom24

    Happy Birthday!!!

    At the risk of getting blocked from your blog, let me assure you that you will look back on 33 one day and realize how young you were (are). As I sit here weeks away from being 10 years older, I'd love to be 33 again.

    Just think, when things do get easier, when you do get 'your life' back again, you're still going to be young enough to enjoy it. :-)

    Sorry about the birthday dinner. Here's some assvice, if you can find someone, anyone, willing to deal with the three little ones for a couple of hours, go for the dinner, they'll all survive. If it truly doesn't work out, I promise it will again one day.

    Hope you have a terrific day. You deserve it.  

  3. # Blogger My Wombinations

    Happy Birthday!

    I agree with what Mom24 said re: the birthday dinner. And if I were there, I would gladly help you out. I am sure two or three people could handle a couple hours of mayhem to give you the peace you need.

    Of course, I TOTALLY understand the not wanting to inflict your children on other people thing. R and I have been dying to take a weekend away, but until Alan sleeps through the night and takes a bottle, we rarely leave him unless he is down for the night. What about that as an option? Isabella could go down before you go to dinner and you could leave the twins with two sitters? Maybe?

    The kids (and babysitter/s) could deal for a couple hours while you get the birthday you deserve!  

  4. # Blogger In Due Time

    Happy Birthday!

    You share the same birthday that me and my brother have. The best folks are born on 3-30! Ha!  

  5. # Blogger shokufeh

    Happy birthday, Kristi! I hope you and your teeth enjoy the ice cream. And the rest of the year, and all the growth that it is sure to encompass.  

  6. # Blogger Veronica

    Happy Happy Birthday! I'm more than certain that next year will be different than this year.

    You're doing a great job.  

  7. # Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog

    Happy birthday! I turn 33 on Friday. IT's a weird number...  

  8. # Blogger Christine

    Happy birthday! I hope that you have a wonderful day...and I am sure the real "you" is there just waiting for a bit of the monotony to lift. I can sense it. And if no one can handle the bedtime mania I hope that someone will take the reins so that you and the husband can enjoy an early dinner or lunch this weekend.

    Wishing you the best!  

  9. # Blogger Pregnantly Plump

    Happy birthday! I think Spring is a great time to have a birthday, although having a summer one isn't so bad, either!
    Silly question here, but does your favorite restaurant do take-out? I know it wouldn't be the same, but at least the food would still be good.
    I keep reading about this stuff called Strivectin (I think) for dark circles. It's pretty pricey, but CVS has an off brand. If I ever try it, I will let you know how it works.  

  10. # Blogger In transit

    Happy Birthday Kristi! Hope you had a woderful day - you certainly deserve it.  

  11. # Blogger Shannon

    do a google search for other birthday promos... I know IHOP and BoB evans does one for kids... but there are other ones for adults...

    Can you go to that resturant for lunch? But, hang in there... hugs! And BTW- happy birthday!  

  12. # Blogger kenju

    I hope you had a good birthday, in spite of the fact that you can't go for dinner to your favorite place. Keep your eyes on the future - it will happen.  

  13. # Anonymous Ness @ Drovers Run

    The real you (the one deep down having her 'princess slumber') is the one who said, "More importantly, I live close to Starbucks" she's the one who can pull humour out of any situation. See ? I told you, still there, just resting. Which is why I warned you to watch out when she gets out - tornado watch! :) Glad that you enjoy my snippets.  

  14. # Anonymous Betty and Boo's Mommy

    Happy birthday to one Aries mom of boy/girl twins from another! (I found you from Root & Sprout, where I am also one of the writers.)  

  15. # Blogger Damselfly

    You are young to me!

    Hope you had a happy birthday!  

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    born in August 2006 following
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