I Blame Hormones

Breaking down into a puddle of tears and snot in front of my mother is not something I do often. The last time this occurred (the only time in recent memory) was when she was leaving after spending two weeks with me following Isabella's birth in 2006. I love my mom to bits, but I don't call her up and talk to her for hours, I do not share every detail of my life with her, and I do not cry when she leaves to head to her home about five hours north of mine following a visit. But cry I did as she was getting ready to leave me with my two-week-old baby, alone for the first time.

My mom was at my house on Saturday, in town for my cousin's college graduation party. We shared with her the news of a situation going on that is going to make providing for two more babies quite a bit more financially taxing than we originally thought it would be.

As we told her, the tears started (and not the controlled and delicate kind). While I'm a pretty emotional person who often says exactly what she feels, I don't cry in front of others often. Worse yet, my breakdown happened not only in front of my mom, but in front of her husband too. Not a proud moment.

The tears were mostly related to our impending financial situation. Part of the problem is that the steady flow of work I've had since quitting my job last October is waning a bit (such is the freelance business), and the idea of having to provide for two babies at once terrifies me. I have been trying very hard not to think about it, which explains the absence of pregnancy-related posts here in awhile, because when I do, it becomes overwhelming. (And trust me, the guilt over not feeling excited yet is intense.) Most people build their families one child at a time. The second (or third, or fourth) child uses the assorted gear and clothing of the child that came before them. Additional purchases are needed along the way, sure. But most of the time, parents have most of the big items already. With having two at once, we are in need of an additional set of almost everything.

My maternity wardrobe is another concern. I have a lot of maternity dress clothes: pants and button-down shirts and a few skirts because when I was pregnant the first time around, I worked in an office until the day before Isabella was born. And now, I'm home. I don't have the need for these clothes, and yet they make up the majority of what I have. On top of this issue, 95% of my maternity clothes are in a size Small. I have a few Mediums thrown in there, bought for my last month or so of pregnancy. Now, I'll be lucky if what I have lasts me through my second trimester.

Because if Angelina Jolie, gorgeous and tall and rail-thin, looks like this at 6 months pregnant with twins



I imagine that I will look something like this in about three months:


And then there's the car situation, and whether or not three car seats can fit in the back of my paid-off Jetta (highly doubtful) or in the back of the hubs' Trailblazer (maybe. hopefully). Without question, we cannot afford another car payment right now.

But the tears were also for Isabella. Even thinking about her and what the arrival of two newborns is going to do to her life and my relationship with her makes me emotional. How can I possibly give her the time and attention and care and pretty cool life she has now when I have two more babies to care for? Yes, she'll be two when they're born, and hopefully willing and able to help me, but at times it almost seems cruel to bring another baby into a family, to overthrow the "queen," so-to-speak.

I know things will work out one way or the other. I may become my greatest fear (the family charity case) but we may not have any other choice.

Thanks for wading through this long and rambling post. I know things will get better. It's just hard for me to see that right now.

17 Responses to “I Blame Hormones”

  1. # Blogger angela

    I do really, really sympathise....are there any parents of twins support groups near you. I'm sure that there you may find the reassurance you need as well as the possibility of buying second hand equipment..
    Just a thought.  

  2. # Blogger Christine

    Ugh.

    You will be okay, promise. You can read the following only if you're in the mood for possibly unhelpful advice. ;)

    Maybe one of your friends who is done having kids (or on a break) could lend you some of her/his better condition stuff? As for clothes, tee shirts and flowy dresses. Target has some cute things and you can always hit up the clearance rack.

    And I second Angela's suggestion.  

  3. # Blogger M

    I'm sorry you are so stressed. I can only imagine the worry that comes with this.
    In our area we have MOMs groups- Mothers of Multiples. And they have LARGE sales. You might want to start looking into those.
    I get the part of Isabella, because that's a large part (other than my sharp decrease in patience for tantrums, food throwing, teething fits, etc.) of why I might just stop at one child. Somehow your mom did it, as do millions of other moms. Heck, Angelina will have SIX. You can do this.  

  4. # Blogger Mom24

    I smiled when I read your post, because I HAVE SO BEEN THERE. Please, please, try to believe that things will be OK. It makes me unbearably sad that when I go back and read my pregnancy journal with daughter #2, the child we had planned and planned for, it's all about money worries and my weight. I promise a lot of your panic is hormones. I know you have legitimate worries, I don't mean that, I just think the hormones magnifies the PANIC and desparation. It will be OK. Babies don't have to have near as much as we think they do. Yes, there are some things you'll be taking from Isabella, (your undivided attention, for one), but you are giving her so much that you can't even see right now. It's so hard for me when I think of how hard it is for my youngest two to share me after my older kids being so far apart, but then when I see them playing together, comforting each other, amusing each other, that I realize just how much more they are getting from it than I ever knew they would. Somehow, it will all work out. If part of that solution is your family helping you--that's OK, that is part of what family is for. We help our son and dil, any way we can. For us, that's not financial, because we can't, but it is support anytime they need it--babysitting anytime we can, whatever. We would do anything for them, that's what family is for, and I'm sure yours is no different. Try not to look too far down the road. You are very lucky (I know you know that). Your immediate needs are being met. Somehow the future ones will be too. good luck.

    BTW--Good for you for using this to vent--that's what we're here for! Don't ever feel guilty. We know your happy about the babies, it's just big--and scary!  

  5. # Blogger Tracey

    Yeah, what they said... Clothing sales. Baby resales. Accepting help. It'll be fine, hon. Sending you a big hug...  

  6. # Blogger shokufeh

    I cry to my mom on a regular basis about money and how lame I feel that we never seem to have enough. I don't mean to, it just comes out. I feel for you and your anxieties.  

  7. # Blogger My Wombinations

    This is going to be hard and it is going to work out. Both are true. I am here for you in any way you need (including the loaning of casual maternity clothes).  

  8. # Blogger sher

    I agree with everyone else. Use us to vent. You have every right to feel all these emotions. I think you're handling things so well. I would hate to see what I would do under the same circumstances. I don't deal with anxiety very well. Again, I wish I lived near you. Hugs and kisses!  

  9. # Blogger MsPrufrock

    Ok, first of all, how weird would you be to not be scared about having twins? That's intimidating stuff!

    Do you read any twin blogs? I know that's an awfully simplistic suggestion, but I think it could do a lot to help you emotionally, plus you could score some gear. You never know. Someone always knows someone who knows someone else...  

  10. # Blogger Thalia

    Gosh I can understand the panic. DO feel free to vent here, of course. What follows is some assvice, please feel free to ignore.

    There is a lot of stuff you don't need. You don't need a second bouncy chair, one of them can go on the floor on a mat. You don't need a second changing table. You don't need a second crib, they can share. You don't need much more in terms of clothing other than what you can buy from a second hand sale, I'm sure isabella's onesies will do fine. You don't need more toys.

    I'm sure you will need more cotton wool, nappies, wipes if you use them, and possibly a second high chair later on. Of course you will need another car seat. But I bet you can make do with a lot less stuff and wonder why you needed it all w isabella.

    The thing when you start panicking is that everything seems unmanageable. Is there any way to break down all the stuff that's worrying you and try to knock it off one at a time? Like make a list of things you think you'll need and run it by a mother with twins and see what she says? There are enough of your friends online who've had twins that I bet you can get some great advice.

    Hang in there. It will be ok. You're still in shock. But it will be ok.  

  11. # Blogger Marie

    Your Mom can handle seeing you cry. I am SURE she understands. How could you not be anxious?

    There is a TON of great quality used stuff out there. It's just a matter of hooking up with it. I have some ideas, which I'll e-mail to you shortly...  

  12. # Blogger Chas

    I guess because I am in nearly the exact same spot as you, I totally relate to this. I am also the kind of girl that says what she thinks but doesn't cry...and lately...I've been crying. I'm not sad...I'm just overwhelmed. It's good to be overwhelmed about such a huge blessing, but when you're in the moment thinking of all the things there are to buy and how many things are going to change it's...just...again, overwhelming.  

  13. # Blogger Pregnantly Plump

    I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how daunting it must seem. Did you feel better after having the good cry? I usually do.
    And do you have an active freecycle or craigslist where you live? They are great where we live. There's a group in our area called Mothers of Multiples (for our county.) We go to their sales twice a year. The equipment is in great shape and since they are mothers of multiples, there are lots of double and triple things.  

  14. # Blogger Jesser

    Awww ... I feel so much for you here. :( I hope you can find some great solutions. Here's an article about an online maternity clothes consignment: http://www.lilsugar.com/1573218 And I'm sure there are great resources out there for the kidstuff too. Craigslist, and I know I've seen a couple other sites that are similar to BookMooch where you can pickup baby stuff. Hopefuly you can get away with just one of some things anyhow. :( But hang in there ... they will be an unbelievable blessing ... and you will make it through all the rest of the stuff, even if it doesn't feel like it now (how do hormones/lack of sleep do that?!?!).  

  15. # Blogger beagle

    Oh K., I feel for you.

    As one of those IVF patients that always "hoped" for twins to "get my moneys worth and be done in one go" I sheepishly admit that I never really allowed myself to think about the reality of juggling twins in the day to day. Adding a toddler would have me in a panic too.

    As for money, we are also tight here and I would have sworn I'd never buy used, but finances have changed my mind. So much of the stuff that's out there used is near new. Yard sales in rich neighborhoods are my suggestion. Some of the stuff literally was never taken out of the box.

    And, as Thalia said, you may find that you don't really need two of a lot of it.

    Thinking of you . . .  

  16. # Blogger Shannon

    hang in there... and good cry like that is always a good thing... you never know what family or friends will do for ya.. keep your head up because I know God will work some kind of a mircle for ya!  

  17. # Blogger Damselfly

    Ugh, I hate crying in front of people too. Add snot, and that's just mortifying. So I sympathize.

    You are an amazing person and mom, and you are sure to manage everything OK. I see lots of commenters have left really great tips.

    And really, that dress on A. J.? I think she's swimming in it. The camera adds ten pounds, or in this case, a third baby.

    Hugs....  

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