My mom was at my house on Saturday, in town for my cousin's college graduation party. We shared with her the news of a situation going on that is going to make providing for two more babies quite a bit more financially taxing than we originally thought it would be.
As we told her, the tears started (and not the controlled and delicate kind). While I'm a pretty emotional person who often says exactly what she feels, I don't cry in front of others often. Worse yet, my breakdown happened not only in front of my mom, but in front of her husband too. Not a proud moment.
The tears were mostly related to our impending financial situation. Part of the problem is that the steady flow of work I've had since quitting my job last October is waning a bit (such is the freelance business), and the idea of having to provide for two babies at once terrifies me. I have been trying very hard not to think about it, which explains the absence of pregnancy-related posts here in awhile, because when I do, it becomes overwhelming. (And trust me, the guilt over not feeling excited yet is intense.) Most people build their families one child at a time. The second (or third, or fourth) child uses the assorted gear and clothing of the child that came before them. Additional purchases are needed along the way, sure. But most of the time, parents have most of the big items already. With having two at once, we are in need of an additional set of almost everything.
My maternity wardrobe is another concern. I have a lot of maternity dress clothes: pants and button-down shirts and a few skirts because when I was pregnant the first time around, I worked in an office until the day before Isabella was born. And now, I'm home. I don't have the need for these clothes, and yet they make up the majority of what I have. On top of this issue, 95% of my maternity clothes are in a size Small. I have a few Mediums thrown in there, bought for my last month or so of pregnancy. Now, I'll be lucky if what I have lasts me through my second trimester.
Because if Angelina Jolie, gorgeous and tall and rail-thin, looks like this at 6 months pregnant with twins
I imagine that I will look something like this in about three months:
And then there's the car situation, and whether or not three car seats can fit in the back of my paid-off Jetta (highly doubtful) or in the back of the hubs' Trailblazer (maybe. hopefully). Without question, we cannot afford another car payment right now.
But the tears were also for Isabella. Even thinking about her and what the arrival of two newborns is going to do to her life and my relationship with her makes me emotional. How can I possibly give her the time and attention and care and pretty cool life she has now when I have two more babies to care for? Yes, she'll be two when they're born, and hopefully willing and able to help me, but at times it almost seems cruel to bring another baby into a family, to overthrow the "queen," so-to-speak.
I know things will work out one way or the other. I may become my greatest fear (the family charity case) but we may not have any other choice.
Thanks for wading through this long and rambling post. I know things will get better. It's just hard for me to see that right now.