I feel like I've been suffering through a week-long panic attack. There is so much going on in my life right now, I don't even know where to begin.
Work has been exceptionally busy. I've had some crazy deadlines, which has meant some very late nights. Attempting to meet these deadlines while caring for Isabella all week essentially by myself has been a nightmare.
I picked up a freelance job. I've been searching for a few weeks now, and have endured a few rejections. But I was recently hired to do some freelance writing. I didn't expect them to hire me so quickly, and to expect me to start so quickly, but with freelancing, it's "feast or famine" so I have to take everything I can get. I've been working on getting up to speed with this job at the same time I'm working my full-time job.
And oh yeah, I'm also starting a business with a friend of mine, and have been drafting up marketing and business plans, as well as writing the text for our website.
To say that I have been exhausted at the end of day doesn't quite do justice to what I've been feeling lately.
But my panic-fueled anxiety this past week is mostly due to the fact that on Tuesday of next week, I'm going to be quitting my job. I'm first going to propose a job-sharing situation, because really, that would be the best thing for me from a financial perspective. But knowing my manager, and knowing the way my company works, I really don't think he's going to go for it.
I have worked either part-time (through my high school and college years) or full-time (after graduating) since I turned 15 years old. The longest break I've ever taken in the last 16 years was my less-than-two-month maternity leave. I need to keep telling myself that I am still going to be working and making money. Freelancing is not the same thing as leaving the workforce. I will still be making money. I will still have financial security.
As much as I know in my heart and in my mind that leaving my job is the right choice for me and my family, I am terrified that we won't have enough money to live on, despite the careful budget I've created. And I am scared that the rejections will outnumber the successes, and that despite all my efforts, I won't be able to make it as a freelancer.
I've been going through some emotional stuff lately too. While grocery shopping the other day, I saw a tiny baby, probably two-months old, sitting in his carrier in the shopping cart. And it was all I could do to keep the tears back. My baby isn't a baby anymore. Isabella is turning one year old in less than three weeks. She will never be as small as that tiny baby in the cart again. As I pack away the toys she no longer plays with, and the clothes she no longer fits in, as the bags of pureed food I prepared and froze dwindle down in the freezer, and as she achieves some new "big kid" milestone seemingly every day, I am reminded that her baby years are almost gone. And as a result, I've turned into a blubbering, emotional mess. How is it that the past year has passed by so quickly?
But amidst all the chaos of my life in the past week, there has been some good, too. Tomorrow I'll celebrate my 6th wedding anniversary. We're going out to dinner and maybe to a movie, something we haven't done in a very long time. Rich and I have had our fair share of rough patches, but I couldn't have asked for a better husband, and Isabella got herself a pretty great dad too.
If you've read this far, I congratulate you. Now, off you go to read a more cheery blog. Unfortunately, you won't find much of that here today.