I feel like I've been suffering through a week-long panic attack. There is so much going on in my life right now, I don't even know where to begin.

Work has been exceptionally busy. I've had some crazy deadlines, which has meant some very late nights. Attempting to meet these deadlines while caring for Isabella all week essentially by myself has been a nightmare.

I picked up a freelance job. I've been searching for a few weeks now, and have endured a few rejections. But I was recently hired to do some freelance writing. I didn't expect them to hire me so quickly, and to expect me to start so quickly, but with freelancing, it's "feast or famine" so I have to take everything I can get. I've been working on getting up to speed with this job at the same time I'm working my full-time job.

And oh yeah, I'm also starting a business with a friend of mine, and have been drafting up marketing and business plans, as well as writing the text for our website.

To say that I have been exhausted at the end of day doesn't quite do justice to what I've been feeling lately.

But my panic-fueled anxiety this past week is mostly due to the fact that on Tuesday of next week, I'm going to be quitting my job. I'm first going to propose a job-sharing situation, because really, that would be the best thing for me from a financial perspective. But knowing my manager, and knowing the way my company works, I really don't think he's going to go for it.

I have worked either part-time (through my high school and college years) or full-time (after graduating) since I turned 15 years old. The longest break I've ever taken in the last 16 years was my less-than-two-month maternity leave. I need to keep telling myself that I am still going to be working and making money. Freelancing is not the same thing as leaving the workforce. I will still be making money. I will still have financial security.

As much as I know in my heart and in my mind that leaving my job is the right choice for me and my family, I am terrified that we won't have enough money to live on, despite the careful budget I've created. And I am scared that the rejections will outnumber the successes, and that despite all my efforts, I won't be able to make it as a freelancer.

I've been going through some emotional stuff lately too. While grocery shopping the other day, I saw a tiny baby, probably two-months old, sitting in his carrier in the shopping cart. And it was all I could do to keep the tears back. My baby isn't a baby anymore. Isabella is turning one year old in less than three weeks. She will never be as small as that tiny baby in the cart again. As I pack away the toys she no longer plays with, and the clothes she no longer fits in, as the bags of pureed food I prepared and froze dwindle down in the freezer, and as she achieves some new "big kid" milestone seemingly every day, I am reminded that her baby years are almost gone. And as a result, I've turned into a blubbering, emotional mess. How is it that the past year has passed by so quickly?

But amidst all the chaos of my life in the past week, there has been some good, too. Tomorrow I'll celebrate my 6th wedding anniversary. We're going out to dinner and maybe to a movie, something we haven't done in a very long time. Rich and I have had our fair share of rough patches, but I couldn't have asked for a better husband, and Isabella got herself a pretty great dad too.

If you've read this far, I congratulate you. Now, off you go to read a more cheery blog. Unfortunately, you won't find much of that here today.

16 Responses to “Teetering”

  1. # Blogger Shokufeh

    Happy Anniversary! And good luck with quitting/changing your job. It will all work out in the end, however it works out. I think if you've managed this year of working full-time and being a stay-at-home mom, you can handle anything.  

  2. # Blogger Damselfly

    Wow, happy anniversary! Sounds like this is a Big Time for you in so many ways ... anniversary, baby about to turn one, starting a biz, changing job routines. Wow! Good luck with everything.  

  3. # Blogger Kris

    Happy Anniversary! No wonder you are emotional- you have a ton going on!!! I completely understand how you are feeling- both with the job & the babies growing up. We are trying to figure out if I will quit my job in October, or if I'll go back- it's just so hard to lose the guaranteed income... good luck with the business & the freelance!  

  4. # Blogger kenju

    Happy Anniversary to the woman trying to win the Superwoman award for doing everything (and doing it well). I see baby blues creeping in too....LOL. Kristi, slow down. Life will take care of itself and you will deal with whatever happens. I hope it works out the way you want it to.  

  5. # Blogger Marie

    Sorry you've had such a rough week, Kristi! Everything will work out. It always does. You & Rich are a team and will make this work... Congrats on the biz! Can't wait to hear more... (we must get together!!)

    And Happy Anniversary!  

  6. # Blogger M

    Happy Anniversary! We just celebrated our 6th year too! I get it about the baby thing.
    I want to hear about the business. Tlel me more.  

  7. # Anonymous Anonymous

    Happy Anniversary!
    Even though I stopped my blog (Relax it'll happen) after Carson was born, I have still been checking in on you. I can hardly believe that he is almost 1! I am planning the party and it brings tears to my eyes that my little guy isn't so little anymore (23 pounds!)
    Good luck with everything that is going on in your life - sounds like you are crazy busy. D  

  8. # Blogger Laura McIntyre

    Happy anniversary and good luck with the job situation. Kids growing up is such a bittersweet milestone - mines are 2 and almost 9 months and i wonder where the baby days have gone  

  9. # Anonymous sher

    Happy anniversary. I would be having a panic attack too--but I wouldn't handle all this as well as you do! You are really amazing! Hugs!  

  10. # Blogger Melissa R. Garrett

    Have a wonderful anniversary!

    And I think you will do just fine on your own ;-)  

  11. # Blogger Editorgirl

    Happy Anniversary! And I hope everything goes well for you on Tuesday. The hardest part was making your decision, everything else will simply fall into place. Thinking of you!  

  12. # Blogger Christine

    Hey you, I'm a bit late to this party, but I hope you're feeling much, much better.

    Things will be okay and you'll be much happier after you aren't working your current job. But man, I would be right with you with the panic attack thing. My goodness. You'll be great!

    And Happy Anniversary! Hope you have a great many more years to come together.  

  13. # Blogger Lisanne

    My parents' anniversary is August 4, too! :) Wow ~ your post made me teary-eyed. I think about how Merry Bear is nine months old and quickly on her way to becoming a toddler. I'm not ready for that yet! Can't time stop for a while? Today, I happened across a video that my mom took the day she was born. I hadn't seen it before. It made me cry, thinking about how she used to be that small and will never be again. So I understand. Believe me, I understand!  

  14. # Blogger l

    I'm glad you're at least going to ask your boss for the job sharing option. The worst he can say is what you're already expecting: "no". And if he says anything more than that, take back your 2 weeks' notice, change it to effective immediately and tell him that's for being a douche.

    With this freelance thing, the rejections may outnumber the successes, but that could be because each success carries more weight and is harder to come by, so it's about quantity, not quality.

    Isabella won't be a baby forever, but each new milestone is opening another exciting chapter with new things to look forward to. You have lots of pictures and well documented memories (many of them here!) to keep the baby days fresh in your mind.  

  15. # Blogger Beagle

    Happy Anniversary!

    I'm sorry you're going through such a stressful time.

    You'll make it work, I know you will. Good Luck with the boss.  

  16. # Blogger Kristi

    Shokufeh-Thank you. And I have to keep reminding myself of exactly what you said: somehow I've managed to be basically a sinlge parent and work FT for home for the last year. I can do anything if I can do that, right? ;)

    Damselfly-Thank you!

    Kris-It's definitely a hard choice, but one that's different for everyone. I wish you good luck in making up your mind. And congrats again!

    Kenju-Thanks. My husband is telling me the same thing: to slow down and relax. I desperately need to figure out how to do that.

    Marie-Yup-things happen for a reason, definitely.

    M-Happy anniversary to you, too. I'll email you with the biz details.

    D-I'm so glad you wrote! I often wonder how you are (and as I'm sure you saw, I still have your blog on my blogroll, hoping you'll return someday. And I can't believe our babies are going to be 1 either!

    Laura-I know exactly what you're going through.

    Sher-Thanks! I'm not sure how well I'm handling things!

    Melissa-Thank you! ;)

    Liz-Yeah, making that decision took way more time than I thought it would.

    Christine-My panic attack has ended, thankfully. Thanks for the anniversary wishes.

    Lisanne-I'm glad I'm not the only emotional weepy mother out there!

    L-Yup, I agree with you completely about the freelancing. And I have to remember that the job I'm leaving is not the last job I'm ever going to have.

    Beagle-Thank you!  

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